Letters to a Rockstar

I don't want to die

We decided that rather then to have me stay in the hospital for the treatment, that I would just go and get my treatment. So, I was able to stay at home with my brother.

That next day, I got up and took my medicine and laid there in my bed. I looked around. I watched the birds from up above. I had skylights and I loved watching them.

"Remington?" I called out.

He came in and I patted beside me. He nodded and laid down. I curled into his chest and cried.

"I don't want to die. I will miss watching the birds outside and listening to your voice. I am not ready to leave this world yet Remington." I said between my tears. I swallowed and wiped my slobber off his shirt.

He sighed a deep sigh and just held me.

I felt tears fall onto my hand and we just laid there and cried.

After a few moments he wiped his eyes and sat up. I sat up too and looked at him. "We need to get ready to go get your first treatment Chelsea. Mom will be here in a few minutes to take us. Come on, I will help you get dressed and ready to go." He said as I nodded and blew my nose. He rubbed my back and kissed my head softly.

I got up and I immediately felt pain shoot up my entire spinal chord. I collapsed and Remington caught me before I fell down. "FUCK! Let go!" I yelped as he kept a hold on me as the pain passed. He picked me up bridal style and carried me into my closet and set me down.

"NOW DOLL! We need to make you look fabulous!" He said in his funny gay tone. I giggled as my pain shot through my spine once again. I tried to ignore it as he walked over and bent down and held me. "IT HURTS!" I yelled as the pain continued like a string of dancing LED lights.

It passed slowly and I nodded and he let me go. "Chelsea?" He said looking into my eyes. "Your going to fight this disease. I will not give up on you. You will get through this. Your a strong girl. You can beat this." He said softly as he stood back up and walked to pick out some clothes.

He picked out this outfit:

He brushed my waist length hair and I told him to leave it stick straight. He nodded and helped me do my makeup. He put on all black makeup and I stood up and walked to brush my teeth. Every step felt better. I got up to my pace and brushed my teeth and put in my plugs and piercings.

We heard Molly begin to bark. I heard my mom bend down and greet her and give her love as I made my way downstairs. "OH! My phone!" He held it out and I smiled. He left once I was stable to walk and went to get ready.

My mom stood up as I walked down towards her. "Hey sweetie. You look nice. Did your brother help you get ready?" She said as she pulled me into a hug. "He did." I said in her chest as she let go. I saw tears roll down and I felt bad.

"How are you feeling today honey?" She asked as we made our way to the couch. We sat down and Molly hopped up and laid down on my lap.

"My spinal chord has been giving me horrible pain today. And Remington and I had a moment of sadness. I am not ready to die mommy. I want to be able to take care of my animals at my job. And watch Sweetpea and Juniper grow up." I said softly as she held me. "I know baby. I know. We will get through this first day. Emerson is coming over later to bring you guys some movies and spend some time with you." She said as I smiled sadly as my chin trembled.

She saw this and held me tighter. I eventually broke down and sobbed like a fucking baby. Molly pawed at me and whined softly. She was worried about me. I put a hand down and she put her head underneath and laid down.

I composed myself as my mom wiped my face carefully. "Your make-up is still in tact. Your brothers did good in buying high quality makeup. I gotta hand it to them. Sebastian and Larissa are worried about you. Larissa wanted to come too but she had to work. They wanted to bring over pizza but I said that may not be a good idea. Cause of this being your first day of treatment." She said as I nodded.

I heard Remington come downstairs and I looked.

He had on his red plaid pants, a plain button down black blouse and his suspenders. He had a red shirt underneath and his yellow Doc Martins. His hair was done and his makeup was simple eyeliner and black shadow. He had on his rebel necklace and a few of his rings.

"Ready to go guys?" He said as he grabbed his wallet and fastened it onto his chain. "Lets take your car Chelsea. Since you love it so much better then mine." He said with sass and I rolled my eyes. I stood up and pain vibrated and my mom helped me get balanced out as I felt it let up.

I sat in the room in the hospital and waited for the burn to settle down. I was getting my first treatment and I was holding onto my brother's hand for dear life.

"Let me slow down the drip a bit. That will help settle down the discomfort." My nurse said as she lowered down the speed. I felt the discomfort settle down and I suddenly felt nauseated. She saw my complexion change and grabbed a dish. I vomited and dry-heaved. My brother pulled my hair into a ponytail as I settled back down.

"This shit fucking sucks!" I gasped as my pain shot through my spine again. I began to bawl as this all hit me.

I would take dying over this misery any day of the week. I thought as the nurse gave me a shot of nausea medicine and Benadryl. I felt sleepy and I laid back and rested my eyes.

"That's my girl." My mom said as she stroked my hair. I felt lips on my head as I dozed off.