Letters to a Rockstar

How can anybody love a person like me?????????????

I laid against the couch outside. I felt the breeze of the early morning tickle my neck.

I had woken up from a spell of vomiting and I could not go back to sleep. It was close to 5:00 in the morning.

I had pain in my legs today. That meant walking would be painful. I had taken Advil after my spell and my morning medicine. I was going to ask the clinic about a prescription pain medicine when I went in there later on for my treatment.

We were getting a surprise visitor today. I was not told who it was. I was just told that they wanted to talk.

"Black Veil Brides?" I asked hopefully to my mom last evening when she told me. She shook her head no and kissed my head.

I watched people run by and waive at me. I waived back and grabbed my notebook. I clicked my pen and began to write my reply.

Hello Ashley:

You guys are so kind. To give all your money towards me. I guess that you guys feel like its the least you could do. You made my family cry when they heard about this. You should know that this is not necessary. That money is yours from all your hard work that you guys do. But, we thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

Today I start my stronger treatment. YEP! Stronger! My doctor from back home called my mom a few days ago and said that this disease is causing my levels to go off balance. And stronger chemo would keep it at bay. We begin radiation the following week. I do that twice a week. That will kick my ass for a while. Like you have a severe flu bug. That will last for two days before it wears off.

I am struggling to stay positive.

I am scared.

My hair is getting thinner.

I am scared that this will make life harder to try to live normally. I woke up this morning and I was vomiting. My throat is raw from the acid that my stomach is producing. I am experiencing pain in my legs today. And I am scared that I will be gone when I get the chance to meet you guys. At times I wonder what heaven is like?? I imagine it looking like Olympus from Percy Jackson. Cause that would be where I would be.

I also am afraid that I would not get to date the guy that I have begun to fall for.

That guy is you.

I am falling for a guy who is far away on the other side of the fucking country. Who CLAIMS he cares about me. I read that he does. BUT! Words are just words to me. Can a person really fall for someone who is out of reach??

I am sorry. My edginess is from my disease. I am beginning to get mood swings occasionally. I am told that I will be put on some shot to help make that calm down.

BUT! It is true though!

I am falling for you Ashley.

It scares me.

Cause I am not sure if you feel the same way about me??

HOW COULD ANYONE FALL FOR A GIRL WHO IS DYING?????

That is what I tell myself.

Do I have a chance at love? I had it once and it slipped through my fingers and left me. I have the same feelings and emotions and I have no idea how to deal with this. Its one thing to fall for a guy when you are healthy as a horse. And you are close by the person every single day. And they know you.

Am I out of line to feel this way towards you??

oxo:

Chelsea