Letters to a Rockstar

My letter back to Ashley

Dear Ashley:

Thank you for your words of kindness. For not knowing much about me, you sure can make a girl smile.

I wanted to tell you what I did with my mom today.

We went to see an exhibit called Kusama. It was incredible so to speak. It felt good to be able to forget about my sickness and dying for a while. I was able to relax and enjoy myself and my mother's company. 

Being sick like me is not as bad as you think it is. I have rough times. With my disease, you will have times of being sick. I have come to live with it. The clinic has given me better medicine for my symptoms and I am able to stay more comfortable. 

You say that your sorry for me dying. 

Why would you say that?

Dying is nothing like how you think it is Ashley. I know that I will be going up to the most incredible place that we can only imagine going. I know what I will be leaving behind. And I am okay with that. I know that I gave it all I could give. And I enjoyed life. Knowing I have a friend who helped me get through my times of hardship and weakness. My family is sad at times. But I know they will be fine. They know that once I go, I will be healthy and able to live without my illness. 

I have a disease called Histiocytosis. It kills your good blood cells and causes a number of issues inside of me. As the disease progresses, my body will slowly start shutting down. Eventually my heart will give out and I will be rewarded with leaving the pain and illness and starting over. 

You are such a talented person. I have heard music by your band and its truly incredible. I cannot for the life of me write any music. I consider what you are able to do a gift. To express your feelings in a catchy song. MIND BLOWING!

I am used to that whole process. My brothers spend a few hours each day writing their own masterpieces for their current album. And I think it will be another chart topper. They are creating a complex riddle that I will never even begin to comprehend. The way my brothers minds work is beyond my thinking process. 

Yes! I do miss my job! But, I know that they are all in good hands. I have faith in my co-workers. They have had just as much experience with them as I have. That however does not take away the pain of leaving my tigers and flamingo and panda and snake. I still miss working with them. Leaving them was one of the hardest things to do. I will never get the chance to go back and see them again before I die. I will begin to get too weak to travel long distances. But! I loved every single second that I spent with them. I would not trade that for all the money in the world. They will always remain in my heart until the day I die.

Along with my health dropping, I also lost my marriage. 

I was married to Dahvie Vanity for a good 3 years. I discovered he was cheating on me the same day all hell broke loose. I filed for divorce the week before I was told I was dying. I am better off without him in my life. My life did not need a guy like him around. He was a good husband though while we lasted. My heart just did not belong to him after I found out. He had sold his heart to another and I left him. 

Take care Ashley!

Chelsea

P.S.: Here are some pictures I took while I was at the art exhibit.