Watch Me Fall

Confusion

How my mind is, nothing makes sense. It feels like an endless void of the same time loop, over and over. My mind is in shatters, and I can't even process this information. I feel so distant from my work and from even my own common sense or well being. I feel shut out of my own life, held prisoner by confusion and a temporary disability to express this in words other than the very ones I type. I feel hopeless, desperate for an embrace, but that wont happen, because I push everyone around me away. I am with the guy I call my boyfriend. He is besides me, yet I feel so far from him, physically and emotionally. I feel this slight tingle of something I know as my love for him, yet even more so, I feel angry. Fragments of betrayal and previous alibis led astray.  I feel annoyed by the fact he couldn't understand my words and my mind. He isn't like me, he doesn't and would never get it. I have never done hardcore drugs, yet I feel like maybe this is what a bad trip would feel like. He keeps looking at me and even though iḿ burning up, I feel my chest, my hands, and my head go cold, and I shiver, because I don't want to be in his eyesight. I want to sleep this all away. But sleep doesn't help anymore. I know he loves me, I really do, but I see past him somehow. Like this isn't enough or something. I told him we were taking a break, because I truly do need to focus on school and myself...yet I can't. I drown in my sorrow, and I am stuck in self pity. Maybe if I drown any faster I could finally end this. Once and for all. Because right now I am so blind I couldn't see hope if it was right in front of me. Which it is, and it seems to be staring right into me. But I wont see it until it's too late.