Watch Me Fall

Dreams / some thoughts today

I keep having these weird dreams lately, now that I have actually been sleeping. I forgot the order, but here are the parts of them I remember, in no specific order of nights:

One was about my sister. I tried explaining my side of the story so she'd come back but she only yelled at me and told me she doesn't want to be in my life

A different dream was where I was laying on Gingee (Ginger I will name cause he already knows about this dream and idc) and like crying telling him I didnt want to lose him. He was right to say it was probably cause he's going to the military eventually. And no homo I love this boy to death. He has been through Hell and back for/ with me and I dont care who we are married to one day no homo he will always be my weirdo. 

So here's the section of my current thoughts 

I feel okay, chugged an energy drink so now i'm shaking but it feels good to have some false sense of energy. I feel numb emotionally and hey no complaints about that. I painted this weekend, so that's a plus. Over the weekend I was in a bunch of pain and it's like 99% gone so that's another plus. But at the same time I still kinda feel icky. Call it Monday, but I just don't really want to be here. In that case, I don't want to be literally anywhere on this planet. I don't want to be dead or anything, I just can't think of a physical place I want to be, you know? And I keep thinking of Valentine's day coming up..Is it wrong that I don't want to spend it with him? Yeah he loves me, like whatever...but in the end he keeps proving otherwise and it sucks. As far as Valentines my "valentine" will just be my xbox, because video games make everything so much better. I might re-download Black Ops 2 or World War 2 because God knows I need a good shooter to waste my Friday on. Enough of my ranting, like anyone will actually read this. In the end, this is just another book that will be invisible, just like yours truly.