Watch Me Fall

K.G

I'm so tired of not being good enough for anything, or anyone. I bend over backwards to make people laugh, and to protect the people I love. I listen best I can, but no one wants to ever tell me anything anyways. I tell people how I feel only to get rejected and made to feel like a dumb ass for even trying. I'm tormented by my own self, and I'm stuck in the fact that honestly I fucking loathe myself. I hate every aspect of me and I wish the people in real life that I care about could just give me a sign that maybe they don't think what I do. I just want a sign that I'm worth something, anything. I'm losing grip with reality once more and I find myself just wishing to be loved. Don't get me wrong I get love from my parent and stuff but it's not the same. I just want to feel like maybe someone other than the person who made me might actually love me enough. Not a family love, but like a different kind. I ended up telling someone how I felt, or trying, but I had to walk away because I started crying like the grade a pussy I am. I've been through hell and back literally and a guy not liking me back somehow hurts more? I get that's it how life works but I don't want the same fucking rants and lectures. I hate being lectured. I hate these feelings. I hate that he'll never read this or understand that he means a lot to me. I can finally look him in the eye but I know to him it doesn't mean jack shit. I'm just invisible to him and I'll never be good enough. Like I said it's not like he'll ever read this. So I can say whatever the fuck I want to. And what I want to tell him is I really like him. I enjoy his company, and every second I get with him is another where my problems don't matter and I'm suddenly in reality again. I love this guy but it's not going to change anything.