Watch Me Fall

falling again

Words cannot express the turmoil and the challenges i have been put up against. Day after day in misery, stuck in this cold cage with nothing but a screen to protect me from my own thoughts. My only true distraction are videos played over and over in desperation as I seek out my own true self in a dense void of hate for my own mistakes. It feels like no one can forgive me. Even Linda hates me still, telling others I only want attention. So what? Maybe i do. Kinda hard not to when she lied to me over and over saying she would spend time with me, only to go fuck Stephen instead. I'm falling again, miles at a time. it feels like forever before I hit the ground. I just want love, I just want inner peace. I want the fights to stop. I want my mom to stay out of my dreams. I dont want to see her body again. Hanging, by the ceiling..I failed her. She's gone and I caused it. I killed my own mother. And slowly I kill my father. I don't mean to, but I know my presence causes him suffering and ache. I need not be reminded constantly of what I have done, because my demons alone tell me every night, like a bed time story..a story of a failure who couldn't see herself. I just want out, I really do. Your silence is the only thing that keeps me prisoner. You really are my one way out, and like it or not, I really like you. I really do. I couldn't stop thinking of you all this time, and it hurt not being able to even hear your voice, or see your face..

I miss you.

But i'm stuck with a pile of ashes 

Ashes of my sanity.