Watch Me Fall

Starving...again

I can't get myself to eat, but I have to eat something. It's a struggle, but I know I need to take care of myself. Just..I can't. My stomach hurts, I feel nauseous, yet my mind, and appetite, say don't do it. That I'm not skinny enough. That I'm ugly. That i'm worthless. Why is it all coming back, now? I was so happy, so excited. But now I feel worthless as I literally starve.  I told them i'd eat. I told them, I told him, that i'd take care of myself. I'm struggling right now, though. I'm struggling so much and I feel like i'm going to pass out. I feel weak and afraid, alone, and just..just bleh, really. I know self love comes first, but it's hard to when you're trapped in my state of being. I just want to breathe and be okay again. I want to be smiling again, like I have been for a few days, now.  I woke up feeling happy, loved, and appreciated. But now, it feels like i'm going to throw up, and I just wish for this to be over. Get these thoughts out of my head, get me out of here. I just want to be happy again. I just want to bawl my eyes out and just walk out. Walk out of here, go to his house, and not feel like shit. To just not feel like i'm alone, even though I know i'm not. Most of all I just wish I could replay the homecoming game, my arms around him as I stand on the bleacher above him. This time he would hug back.. I dunno, just got caught in my emotions again. Being here really sucks, and I just wish i could go to his house and straight up like pass out or like hug him or something, I dunno. Just chill and shit.