Book Smart

Ninety Five

Watching my sweetheart take his first pregnancy test is something I'm sure neither one of us will ever forget... The shy smile he gave me over his shoulder with his cheeks flushed such a pretty red.

It was so special...

And yet now it feels so raw as he seeks shelter in my arms to escape his own emotions, his weeping gentle as he cries into my shoulder.

The two of us linger in the bathroom, this moment feeling more and more like one that shouldn't be shared, me perched on the edge of the tub, my Princess curled up in my arms as he gives physical release to his overwhelming emotions...

"I... Daddy... I-I.."

...
Adrian
...

I can't seem to get my words out... I can't tell him how incredibly sorry I am to have gotten everyone's hopes up... To have gotten my hopes up.

"Shhh... Princess... Enough. It's not your fault."

I know that it isn't... But it still hurts...

I feel lied to by my body... All of my soft bits had seemed just a little thicker.. I had felt so much more sensitive in the last few days... And yet there is no little positive sign on the stick I had only just peed on ten minutes ago. Waiting for it to process had been the longest five minutes of my life and it only served to hype both of us up only to come crashing down so far and much too fast.

I had really wanted the two of us to become three... Between a baby and a new library, I don't think we could get any closer to perfection... But... But...

"But nothing, Angel. You could still be pregnant right now... It could just be too early to be picked up by the test." Daddy keeps his voice soft as one of his strong hands run its way up and down my back in long soothing strokes, "And if you aren't we have time to get you that way."

I know that my mate's words are full of truth... And the thought of possibly being pregnant and it just being too early to tell lifting my melancholy just enough for me to start trying to breathe normally again... I could be pregnant...

"Or the changes you've noticed could be from your body getting ready to get pregnant... It'll happen, Baby Boy... I'll make you a Mommy any day now." Daddy is so sweet to me as he rocks us back and forth, lifting his chin until I can latch on to my comfort spot and suck on the shallow mark I gave him on my first night home.

I don't know why it's so comforting to be able to close my eyes and collapse into him while having the taste of him linger in my mouth but it always helps me calm down.

Firm hands encourage me to hunker down in my safe space until I'm perched on Daddy's lap in just the right way that he can stand without dropping me, a question on his lips, "Do you want to go into the living room or do you want to lay down?"

I don't have to stop my comforting suckle to respond, instead choosing to push my need for comfort into Daddy's mind after gently prodding our link, 'Livingroom'.

I want my Grammy... And Quinn... And I need cuddles and hopefully something with cheese all over it that I can shove into my mouth until the hole that is currently so big it nearly cuts me in half where I had hoped a baby would be feels full again.

...
Silas
...

By the time we make it down the hall with my limp Angel still cradled in my arms sucking on my mark like he normally does when he needs extra comfort and loving on my Addy Baby's tears are almost dry, though I know at the moment he feels as far as possible from emotionally stable.

We arrive at an empty living room when it dawns on me that a lot of our guests are congregated in the kitchen, Agatha at the helm of creating some sort of meal.

I let my nose follow the smell of melting butter and can almost smile at the sight of Liam standing at the stove with Cassie tucked under his arm chattering away with Quinn and Grammy as they flutter around the kitchen, one with a mixing bowl, the other trying to clean up after all of them so the kitchen isn't a wreck when they all leave.

We don't get noticed until after some kind of batter gets measured into the hot pan, Casper the first to take notice, nudging my beta in the ribs until he too looks up from the pancake and conversation.

Agatha and Quinn notice almost immediately when Liam stops talking to look at us, and it takes me a moment to try and figure out exactly what to say.

Before I can even attempt to speak though, my Adrian... My beautiful, sweet, sensitive lifts his face away from where he had been collecting comfort in the crook of my neck and beats me to the punch with a heartbreaking, "N-Not pregnant. Just fat."

...
Adrian
...

The moment the words drip out of my mouth and I see the faces of my loved ones fall the tears that I had thought we're over start again with a vengeance, and as the "Ohh"s and " Aww, Sweetheart"s start to echo their ways to my ears I can feel my heartbreak all over again and have to hide my face in my hands to escape the emptiness I'm feeling in this moment.

Who knew I could get attached to a baby that doesn't even exist yet so quickly?

A month ago I had been so set on not even letting myself imagine having a happy little family... But with Silas... With Daddy... It's something I want. It's something my mate wants...

It's something that's okay to want, even if we haven't been together terribly long.

As we get shuffled over to our little table meant for two in order for Daddy to sit while he holds me I hear the concerned and comforting whispers of our odd little collection of immediate family members and I know that even if I were to ask them all to leave they would stay.

I feel the soft hand of my Grammy stroke my hair for a moment as my tears continue to fall, soft words being murmured to me that I can't really comprehend I focus solely on the love and support permeating the room and know that I won't be asked to calm myself. Just to try and let them take care of me and Daddy while we both feel so sad.