Book Smart

137

"Silas...you heard the Doctor... I'm fine, we were just being a little too rough... It's okay... I'm okay, Daddy." My big tough man had stayed strong, calm and in control up until we got home half an hour ago, both of us exhausted, my bottom needing to be swiped with the cream that will help heal the tear that had happened during today's escapades, the rip unnoticed by us both likely when we had made love in front of the mirror and then made worse by the fun we had been having with my sparkly pink plug...

But the moment we had gotten home my strong and up until this point silent mate had stripped me of my clothes and sandwiched me in one of his old t-shirts that he knows I love wearing before attending to my bottom for me and tucking me into our bed despite the fact that it's barely three in the afternoon... And then fell to his knees next to the bed, one of my hands being swallowed by his as the sobs he's trying to hide from me using the mattress as a muffler, his tears soaking into our sheets unseen while he lets out the emotion he hadn't let himself feel while taking care of me. 

I don't think I realized how hard he had been trying to keep it together for my sake... He had known that if I had sensed his panic I would have panicked too, and that never makes any situation better. Neither one of us had known that anal fissures could bleed as much as I was... It had certainly looked and felt scary, the sharp pain of the tear not hitting me until we were halfway to the clinic... 

But the whole time, even though he had gone so pale once he realized there was an actual problem... Silas had been strong enough to get me to the Doctor to be looked at and taken care of, his hand in mine the entire time... Not even letting himself growl at the only Doctor brave enough to offer to examine me, his wolf's territorial feelings towards me having to be squashed down for my good.  

Daddy had been so strong for me today... 

...
Silas
...

I had hoped to at least make it to the bathroom before breaking down... But it's like with the first real breath that I've been able to take since looking down and seeing Adrian so not okay my entire body couldn't resist the urge to crash and burn any longer, my sobs ones filled with the fear that had consumed me at the moment for his health and safety... And also with regret and self-loathing...

I had allowed myself to be so caught up in the moment that I hadn't given any thought to how rough I was actually being with him... Just because he likes it rough does not mean that I can get careless... 

I had been reckless and my beautiful Bean is now paying the price for it, the tearing that had happened completely my fault going to cause him discomfort for the next couple of days, the medicine we had been given only able to numb the injury itself and not the dull throbbing aching its way up his lower back. 

Somehow though... Even though I hurt him... My Sweet Baby has managed to roll himself to the edge of the bed, choosing to resettle on his tummy to avoid sitting up, his face inching its way close enough to press a few timid kisses onto my cheek before his free hand starts to stroke my hair... He's comforting me even though I just hurt him enough to scare us both to death...

I.. I had really thought that the worst had happened... That he had been right in thinking that he was already pregnant and that... that... 

I know his mind had gone there too. His hands had shot up to his belly when he had finally understood why I had stopped our fun so suddenly, and they didn't leave their spots protectively wrapped around what we had thought we had been in the process of loosing until the Doctor had looked us right in the eyes and asked me exactly how rough I had been with his bottom, his gloves being snapped off with finality after telling Adrian he could take his feet out of the stirrups, mumbles about Alpha and Omega pairings always ending up with the same problems no matter how many free bottles of lubricant pack Doctors push to us around the globe.  

I had been so relieved to learn that it was only a tear, blood being drawn for a pregnancy test after confirming that we're trying to start a family just so we can be sure that the failed home pregnancy test is indeed wrong and to ensure that anal tearing is the only thing my recklessness had caused... But as soon as the needle left my Bean's arm the relief was snatched away and replaced by guilt so heavy I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again. 

I had been warned about controlling myself, Mom having been the one to sit me down and explain that I need to be more careful... That all timbers have to be more careful. On the playground when at school... In our relationships with friends and family when we can stand to be around them... And with our mates especially. 

I had thought nothing short of falling into rut could cause me to act like as big of a moron as I have today... I thought nothing could ever make me hurt the one I cherish the most, my sweet Adrian that I don't deserve. 

The beautiful young man who I had injured in a very intimate place that seems so content to just lay here and hold me as the feelings that had been demanding to be released finally leave my body, his forgiveness being assured with every tender whisper he pushes into my hair telling me that he's okay and that he loves me... That he knows I love him and that it was an accident... That it's okay even though it really is not okay... 

I love him so much, and I know I have to do better... But better can start after I let myself cycle through the emotions I had bottled up in order to make sure he received proper medical attention... Emotions that I know he will lay with me and bear witness to, his patience and understanding undeserved but so appreciated.