My eyes are cast blankly on a part of the car that’s parked opposite me but my mind is a thousand miles away. In my head i am making a list of all the painful things I have been through and you all know I got a very long list.
A long ass list.
Ask me about the pain of watching helplessly as people kill your mom, raping her afterwards and as if that is not enough they force you to drive a bullet through her skull. Fuck!
Ask me how it feels to powerlessly watch not just one but several grown ass men forcing themselves mercilessly on your five year old twin sister until she takes her last breath. And you are forced to shoot her on the head.
Shooting them should have been easily after all they are already dead, right? But it wasn’t. It felt like i was taking their second life away.
Let me tell you how it feels to lose two important people as you watch in one day. The pain is unbearable, I wish I can say it hurts like a bitch but it hurt more than anything in this fucked up world. The heartbreak is so intense that you can literally feel the heart aching.
The emotional pain, the mental affliction and the anguish can’t be measured.
How about living with two permanent physical Scars that will always remind you of everything that happened that dreadful day? You can’t even heal, because the scars will always remind you of those painful memories.
What about watching a person you’ve grown calling sis being pushed over the rail guard? Coming back three years later from a mental institution and someone tells you that the only family you knew might have been reduced to ash when their house was set on fire just two days ago?
I don’t understand how life can be this cruel to me for all these years. It keeps fucking me hard again and again. Just when I thought it would get better Jake tells me that my adopted family might be dead.
I guess there is no point in life that I will ever be happy, like completely happy. I can easily count the few times that I have been genuinely happy.
Randal made me happy, too bad that whatever we had didn’t even last a month.
“Belle,” Nick snaps me out of my trance and I sigh painfully as i wipe my tears with the back of my hand before looking up at him. He looks sad and he is standing a few inches away from me with his hands fixed inside his jean’s pocket, eyes on me.
“Are you okay?” He asks me giving me a look that reminds me of one thing; that I have him and that he still cares.
“I feel suicidal.” I say honestly taking his outstretched arm and he helps me up pulling me in his arms when I stand up. “Nothing seems to work out for me.” I tell him shutting my eyes as I lean my head on his shoulder.
“Everything will be okay,” he assures me and I just nod hoping that everything will be okay. Hope is the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now.
“What if they all died in the fire?” I want to be optimistic but no matter how I try i can’t get a good reason why Elsa hasn’t contacted Robb yet.
That is so suspicious.
“Have some faith, Belle.” I pull away and a small smile tugs on my lips when he reaches to wipe my tears with his hand. “Everything will be okay,” he says looking at me in the eye.
“I love you, Nick.” He said he didn’t know what he would do without me and Keith but right now I am wondering what I would do without him. I guess I need him more than he needs me.
“I love you, don’t you ever forget that.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Do you want to go back or should I take you home?” I don’t even have a home to go to. The place I used to call home is nothing but an empty huge deserted house.
