In case you are wondering, the sex was good. Lucas is super great in bed, I got to give him credit for that. I felt nothing close to what I used to feel when Randal and I were making love and i swear i am never forgetting today. I will never forget how he gave a mind-bending orgasm in the middle of a forest or how I screamed his name as he brought me to the edge.
It was thrilling but I still feel hollow. I still have this empty space inside my heart and a pain that won’t go away. I still feel the raw pain of losing them and I don’t think it is ending anytime soon. I thought rough sex would work for me, it did but I felt the emptiness immediately Lucas stopped cuddling me.
Lucas is clutching my right hand as we walk back in total silence. I am wearing his shirt on and I kinda ripped all the buttons out when we were making out. I wasn’t the only aggressive one, he impatiently tore my dress apart. I would have left it in the forest but it has some sentimental value. He has it hanged around his neck and it is covering the better part of his chest.
At least I won’t be staring at a half naked Lucas while he drives us home. Trust me it is quite hard not to stare at his sexy sculpted chest and those attractive abs of his. He really is built and saying he is attractive is an understatement.
He hasn't said anything else to me after I told him to take me home but he keeps glancing at me probably trying to figure me out, he is still the perceptive dude I knew three years ago only that he is less impassive.
Right now he looks hurt and I am feeling guilty for what I said earlier on. For a moment in there, I almost apologized when I indirectly told him that he lost his chance but then memories of three years ago when he used to treat me like some pile of trash started to crawl back in my mind.
I will never forgive him for that no matter how many times he says that he did that for me.
There were so many ways to solve everything. For instance, he should have done the same thing he did three years later; telling me the fucking truth. Trust me I would have understood him.
But he chose to hurt me, to crush me. You don’t treat the people that you love like some piece of shit, it is quite ironic. I tend to think that if you love someone so much, you never want to hurt them. Even in the slightest way.
You protect the ones that you love from everything no matter what. He should have done that too.
He did everything for him. He wanted me out of his life since he had other important things to do and falling in love with me was not on his list, on the contrary, he wasn’t supposed to fall in love but it was inevitable. And i guess he thought that cutting contact with me was the best thing to do.
My friends think that Lucas is in love with me and I hold the same opinion too. The only difference between them and I, is that they think Lucas deserves a second chance but I don’t.
He was still in love with me three years ago and I was pretty convinced that Lucas would have done everything to keep me safe but we all know how our love tale ended, I can’t trust him and honestly I am skeptical about this whole thing. He hurt me once and I will never let that happen again.
He chose something else over me and he can still do it again and again. I can’t be with a man who can’t have me as a first priority, besides he has a child with Lily and I have a lot to figure out as it is.
I am aware of him staring at me for a fleeting moment before heading to the trunk of his car and i follow him.
He gets two identical shirts from the trunk and he hands me one but i stand there watching him put his shirt on.
"Need help with that?” he winks at me as a silly smile tugs on his lips and I shake my head when he starts taking steps towards me. “You don't want to go home half naked, do you?"
