Life, Death, and Time - A Books Of Beginning Collection

Oneshot: Goodbye Letters

Background: Canon Ending, takes place right when Kate wakes up in the cabin at the end of the Black Reckoning and finds Rafe dead.

Content: Straight Up Angst, Kate x Rafe.

There was something surreal and sobering about waking up next to a corpse.

The experience was not something that most people had, and the ones who did usually were lying beside the elderly or sick, and had some idea that it would all be going wrong soon, had years or months to prepare. Kate had one evening, one evening of heaven and hell colliding, and then, nothing. Numbness, like the cold fog creeping over the mountains in the morning. 

Her fingertips brushed softly against Rafe's cheek. He was cold and still, paler in death than in life. Someone else might have been able to pretend he was sleeping, but Kate couldn't. There had never been any room in her life for playing pretend, for blissful fantasies and merciful lies. There was only the stark reality, the unrelenting tragedy, that was her life. 

A life without the boy she loved. 

Kate did not cry, not yet. There would be time for crying, for sobbing and screaming, later. Right now, she couldn't afford that. She was still going through the shock, but she knew someone would be coming to find her soon. She had to prepare, had to be ready to meet them, to explain why she had run off and what had happened. She could not be a train-wreck, not when it might be her siblings coming to find her, or her parents. They needed to see her strong. 

Kate should eat something, but she felt as though any food would taste just like ash in her mouth. It seemed blasphemous, to eat, to live, when Rafe couldn't. Though she had promised him that was exactly what she would do, she couldn't. Not yet. 

She found a piece of paper, on the roughly cut wood table, the table they had ate at for the last day they had together. Her name was written in Rafe's scrawl on the top. She unfolded it, knowing that this was everything he wanted to say, but couldn't bring himself to when she already was practically hysterical, begging him not to leave. Her hazel eyes traced the words, imagining him sitting at the table, a furrow between his brows, frantically writing before it was too late.

Dearest Kate,

I am so, so sorry for leaving you like this, for slipping away under the cover of night, like a coward. The truth is, I don't want to leave you at all. I want to be selfish and stay by your side, I want years of laughter and dancing and family and peace. I want forever. But we never do get what we want, do we?

You look so worried, even when you sleep, and I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to contribute to it. You deserve nothing less than endless joy and a long life of prosperity. I would give it to you - give the world to you - if I could, if you asked me to. All I am able to give you now, though, is my life in exchange for yours (isn't that always how it goes?). You may hate me for it, and I don't blame you. I can't say I'm particularly fond of myself either. That said, I'd rather be hated by you than loved by the whole world. 

I might sound insane. I probably am insane. But after a century, carrying souls not my own, I have never forgot you, and even where I am going next, I never will. I might be the thief among us, but you stole my heart. I am yours completely, I always will be. You are my light and my strength, I adore and worship you. Death is an easy price to pay, if it means you live. Gods above, I hope you live, a long, full, happy life. Selfishly, I hope you don't forget me, though you'd probably be happier to have never met me, never mourned for me. Once a villain, always a villain, I suppose. 

My time has run out, my clock has broke. Goodbye, Kate. I love you. 

Yours Forever, 

Rafe. 

A single tear rolled down Kate's cheek. Turning to look at the lifeless cadaver, the shell of the man she loved, still laying in bed, lost in eternal sleep, she wiped it away.

*******

She had stayed up all night to write the response letter, her goodbye note, her last lament for the boy who sold his soul and traded his life, all out of love for her (was it possible to be loved more fiercely than that? She doubted it). Her wrist ached, the point of her pencil dulled to a mere nub, but she refused to let the words stay pent up inside of her any longer. Then, when the morning light had broken through the trees, Kate slipped the letter into the powerless husk of the reckoning, which was clasped in Rafe's hands, to be buried beside the cabin, with him. As his body was lowered into the grave, she dug her bitten nails into her palms, thinking of the message he would never get to read. 

Rafe, 

I want to be furious, I really do, but all I am is numb inside, like you took the brightest part of my life with you when you left. I dream of you every night, in nightmares, mostly, and when I wake up with a scream lodged in my throat, you aren't there. We were dealt a hand of tragedy, and I will forever curse destiny for it. For the fact that I'm broken with love for a ghost. Love is the most intensely powerful and meaningful thing there is, and our love was strong enough to destroy the world. That's irony for you, I guess. 

I'm putting this letter in your grave, which might as well be my grave, with how much of me I have left with you, six feet under. I'm sorry - I should have found a better way. 

You speak so self-loathingly and it pains me, even though I understand. I'm the exact same way. We both grew up too fast and shouldered responsibilities most people would shirk from. We'd both do anything and everything for those we love, no matter the cost to ourselves. We're twin flames with broken souls and tragic pasts and no chance to be happy (god, I wish we were happy). Maybe that's why I like you, because your heart is endlessly deep and pain-filled, just like mine. We match, we fit, and above all, we understand each other when no one else ever will. 

I'll never forget you. As much as it hurts, I never want to. I'll never forget the emerald green of your eyes, the warmth of your kiss, the way I wanted to stop the clock and live forever in a moment when we danced in the snow in New York. I'll never forget all you did for me. I'll carry your heart with me for the rest of my life, and when my hourglass runs out of sand, I'll find you there, for all infinity, until we're both reborn in a world that is hopefully kinder than this one. 

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. Michael says it's a form of grief and closure, Emma says it's just me getting my feelings out ('like screaming' she said - she's going through a lot right now). I think I might just be losing my mind. After everything that's happened, it wouldn't surprise me. Then again, nothing does, anymore. 

I know you won't read this, let alone write me back. You are dead, you can't. Still, I can't help but hope, and if I didn't know any better, I'd put my belief in it. 

I know better, and it's a curse. 

I don't want to say goodbye, but I've never had the luxury of playing pretend. So goodbye, Rafe. I love you.

Sincerely,

Kate Wibberly.

PS: If the impossible ever becomes possible for us again, find me. I'll be there. 

Kate had meant every word. She held her head high as the body of her love was buried, the last of him out of reach of her. Tears ran down her face freely, but she didn't sob or bury herself in someone's arms. She owed it to Rafe to see this through. More than that, she wanted to. She needed to. 

Michael and Wilamena stood on one side of her, arm in arm, there if she needed them. Her mother and father stood on the other, with Emma protectively in front of them. Kate didn't reach for them. She didn't know how - they didn't understand, and besides, she was so used to carrying all the weight of herself and the world alone. 

They had won the war, technically, but she felt as though that were far from the case. She had lost more than anyone would ever truly know. Her heart now lived under six feet of dirt, in the cold, rotting bones of her love (her enemy, people would whisper, but she would never care). 

The world spun on. Kate Wibberly almost wished it didn't.

A/N: I wrote both Kate and Rafe's letters in my math class when I was supposed to be taking notes, in case you wanted a hint into my priorities.