Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 1 Chapter 9: After Church

Simmons and Grif run up the ramp in to the red base, where Donut and Ghost are waiting with the flag

Ghost: What happened?

Grif: Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!

Simmons: Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.

Grif: Fuck... You...

Ghost: I always knew you were gay, Grif.

Grif: Fuck... You... Bitch...

Ghost: Sorry I got a girl waiting for me and I don't swing that way.

Donut: Anyways... Where's your car?

Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Grif: Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

Ghost: I'm gonna go tell him that you two fuck sticks destroy the jeep

Explosion, before Ghost could find Lopez the jeep flies up on the base from below, landing between Donut and the other two

Grif: What the hell?

Ghost: Jesus Christ!

Another explosion

Grif: Son of a bitch!

Donut: Holy crap! What the hell is that thing?

Grif: That's the tank!

Tank continues firing

Donut: Hey uh, Grif uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

Grif: No, keep that away from me!

Ghost: FIND COVER!!

Cut to Tucker and the Rookie in the tank

Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Rookie: Because it's locked on!

Sheila: Target locked.

Tucker: Well unlock it.

Rookie: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Tucker: Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

Back to the red base

Donut: I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.

Explosion

Simmons: Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Ghost: I blame Grif...

Grif: Hey!

Radio sounds

Sarge: (on radio, from plane) Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Grif: Oh my God, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge: Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

Simmons: Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge: Hello Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Ghost: Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge tank about to destroy our base. Aka Grif and Simmons fucked us.

Simmons: Don't blame me, it was Grif's idea!

Grif: Why am I always getting blamed?!

Ghost: Fuck you that's why.

Sarge: (radio sounds) ... (more radio sounds) ... Am I talkin' to the right base?

Grif: Sarge, we, are going, to die here.

Ghost: (Muttering) I don't think anyone would mind if you died...

Grif: ... What.

Ghost: ... What.

Sarge: Well then hold tight boys. I think I gotta solution to your little 'tank' problem.

Ghost: thank you Sarge.

Cut to Tucker

Tucker: Uh oh.

Plane flies over red base, cut back to Tucker

Tucker: Hey Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.

Caboose: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

Sheila: Night vision engaged.

Tucker: Rookie, get out now.

Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank

Caboose: Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?

Sheila: Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs off the tank) Thank you for using the M808V main battle ta-

Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards

Caboose: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running. (reaches Tucker) Man, that was close.

Tucker: Look at your tank though.

Sheila: I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... Daaaaiisyyyyyy...

Caboose: Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!

Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait... who's Sheila?

Caboose: Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...

Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!