Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 5 Episode 78: You Can't Park Here

Fade in to Blue Base in a very boring, very uninteresting way... the perfect way to start a new season

Church enters as thumping sounds are audible within

Church: Hey Doc, what the hell's going on in there?

Doc: Church, everything's fine. The patient is just resting.

Church: Doesn't sound like he's resting.

Doc: That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival.

Baby Alien: Blarrrrrrg.

Doc: He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding.

Church: Tucker, fed, the baby? Gross.

Doc: Actually Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village.

Church: How'd you get him to agree to that?

Doc: It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.

Baby Alien: Blarg honk, honk!

Church: He hates needles.

Doc: No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in!

Caboose emerges behind Doc

Doc: It's like a miracle to see nature at work.

Caboose: I feel dizzy!

Church: Um, is he gonna be okay?

Doc: Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. I'n't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.

Caboose: (looking around randomly) Oooooh...

Doc: Anyway blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-

Caboose: I think I'm going to stop standing up now.

Caboose collapses in a convenient heap

Doc: Or passing out.

Caboose: Church if I die I want you to have my orange juice.

Baby Alien: Blargblargblargblargblargblarg!

Church: How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?

Doc: Sleeping? He's not sleeping... He's in a coma.

Church: Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc. I'll take care o' this.

Caboose: I can't feel my torso.

Doc: I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptable to infection, and disease. And cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible.

Church: Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.

Doc: Well now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too.

Caboose: I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me, Ghost would.

Church: I tell you what - I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?

Doc: Sorry.

Church: Doc - Seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.

Doc: Church, don't make me pull rank on you.