Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 4 Episode 65: Looking For Group

Fade in to the Blues plotting their valiant assault

Trut'aik: Blargh blargh blargh, blargh.

Andy:    Then after we cross the Burning Plaine of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

Caboose: The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

Tucker: This is so dumb, I'm not doing this.

Church: Hey, news flash, you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself

Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things, and not letting them get attached. ...I'm talkin' about women.

Church: I know, yes, I got it.

Tex: Don't worry Tucker, we're not gonna send you alone.

Tucker: You're coming with me Tex?

Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.

Tucker: Well I'm not goin' with Church, that guy's a worse fighter than I am.

Church: Well you're in luck then, because I'm not goin' either.

Tucker: What? Then who?

Caboose: ...

Tucker: No fuckin' way. I'm not goin' with him.

Ghost: I'm going to numb nuts.

Tucker: Oh, then I'll be fine.

Caboose: Oh, oh, oh, I hope we meet a Cleric along the way. None of us knows how to heal.

Trut'aik: Blarhun?

Caption: <I am a healer. I have eaten a lot of my my kind>

Andy:    He says he's a healer.

Caboose: Oh good.

Andy:    Heh heh, not really, they eat their wounded. Heh heh heh.

Caboose: Just like chiropractors.

Ghost: Chiropractors don't eat people... those are cannibals...

Tucker: This is a joke, right, you're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?

Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothin' wrong with me.

Caboose: Okay, so, um, Tucker is a fighter, uh, Crunchbite is the healer, Ghost is the tank, and I am the powerful... and intelligent, wizard. Morphumax.

Andy: What the hell does that make me?

Caboose: You're the good looking and stealthy archer.

Andy:    A bow and arrow- I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!

Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.

Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.

Church: Hyeah I guess this is it Tuckeher. Nice knowin' ya.

Tucker: Hoh, you better hope that I don't die, 'cause if I do, you're the one taking care of my kids.

Church: You have kids?

Tucker: Heheh probably.

Ghost: yeah... Don't listen to him. He said he has fucked over 100 women... we all know he's lying.

Church: yeah, that sounds about right.

Tucker: Fuck you, both!

Slice to Simmons and Sheila sieging the Salmon side's structure

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Yeahah, take that. Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it Blue-uh damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought.

Grif: Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base. I mean the Red base, fuck!

Donut: Defense is established Sarge!

A tank shell strikes Red Base

Donut: Cancel that Sarge, defenses are destroyed.

Grif: Killing our own team huh, that's cool. Hey listen, how long do you expect this whole crazy thing to last?

Simmons: I'm not crazy Grif, you just wouldn't listen to me when I said there was a tank.

Grif: I listened to you.

Simmons: You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!

Grif: Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and, everything kinda sucks now.

Simmons: Well too bad, 'cause this is what you get now you dumb blue bitch. Red bitch, fuck, you know what I mean!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Sarge:    Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set.

Grif: I don't think killing Sarge is much of a punishment for me. Just come back to the base man. I'll let you boss me around again.

Simmons: I don't know, I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear.

Grif: I am, see, it's just like old times! Come on buddy.

Simmons: Will you help me clean my armor?

Grif: How 'bout I promise to help you clean it, but then just convince Donut to do it later?

Simmons: Hah, good ol' Grif.

Sarge:    Simmons, is that you?

Simmons: Yeah Sarge, but don't worry. We got-

Sarge:    Simmons, I can understand your going crazy and seein' imaginary tanks!

Simmons: The tank is right there for the love of God.

Sarge:    And I can obviously understand why you'd wanna attack your own base.

Simmons: You can?

Sarge:    But painting yourself blue? Dear God man, doncha have any shame at all?

Grif: Hey Sarge, you should also note that he missed a coupla spots.

Sarge:    Grif, what in Sam Hell are you doin' out there? At least Simmons has the intelligence to formulate a mutinous plan!

Simmons: Thank you Sir. I mean suck it Blue! God dammit, I mean Red.

Sarge:    But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort. I never expected this from you.

Grif: Aoh up yours.

Sarge:    What was that?

Grif: Up yours Sir.

Sarge:    That's better!