Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Recreation Chapter 1: Don't Get Me Started

Fade in to Sarge at the top of a hill

Sarge:    Attention Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to a sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to soak in the horror of this announcement, and then return for your reaction. Be right back!

Sarge heads back down the hill to Grif and Simmons

Sarge:    Heh heh, alright, that oughta scare the bejeezus out of them.

Simmons:    Actually Sir, since it's just one of them over there-

Grif:    And the one is an idiot?

Simmons:    I don't really see the point in the psychological warfare.

Sarge:    You're right, Simmons, it's not really accurate to refer to one person as a team. What's better, Blue Person? Blue Man? Blutonian?

Simmons:    What I meant was-

Sarge:    Bluetard.

Simmons:    ...What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to him that we're gonna attack, why don't we just do it?

Sarge:    There's an order to this, Simmons. We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage. We have to give him a chance to see the errors of his blue ways. To lay down his arms and meet us as felllow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world: a world that's better, because we poisoned his food at that table, and stabbed him in the eye with a fork. And taken all his stuff.

Simmons:    ... Dibs on the computers.

Sarge:    Noted. Now watch that base, tell me if anything changes.

Simmons:    Yes Sir. And Sir?

Sarge:    Yes Simmons?

Simmons:    I just want to say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory. It's been a long time coming.

Sarge:    Yes it has, hasn't it? My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must have been quite an honor to serve with me. Ahh. Okay, glad we had this talk.

Simmons:    Are you glad I'm here too Sarge?

Sarge:    Of course I am.

Simmons:    I knew it. I just knew-

Sarge:    A squad's kill/death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating Sergeants. If you had died, that would have hurt my numbers. Sadly we did lose Ghost, he was my best man, he will be missed.

Simmons:    *sniff* Glad I could help.

Sarge:    It's critical to keep a little padding in your stats. That way if we're far enough ahead, I can stab Grif in the face, and still stay in the lead.

Grif:    You know, I'm standing right here.

Sarge:    Right where I want you! Within face stabbing range.

Radio sounds

Sarge:    Lopez, how're those vehicle repairs coming?

Lopez:    Se destruye el jeep. El no ser fijó.

Caption:    Coming? The jeep is destroyed. It can't be fixed.

Sarge:    Got an ETA?

Lopez:    Si. Nunca.

Caption:    Yes. Never.

Sarge:    Well as long as I get it ASAP. 'Cause I need it PDQ.

Lopez:    Entonces, nunca menos uno.