I ended up crying myself to sleep in Awsten's arms the last two nights because of my classes. It's the first week and I'm behind in all my classes.
School is making my tourettes worse because of how stressed I am. Stress kills things, did you know that? Its unhealthy and horrible. I tic in every class and sleep in my classes because either I stayed up all night twitching or I'm unconscious because I fainted. I have fainted in every class so far and.. it's just bad.
I can keep doing this.. maybe it will get better? I'm sure josh and Oli are so annoyed at me for keeping them up. Well maybe not josh because he's a heavy sleeper and he doesn't wake up at all. Awsten is the one who helps me at night. I feel like a baby because I rely on people so much.
I know Awsten is human and probably gets annoyed by me a lot but we've been friends since I was 5, that's 15 years. I started showing signs of tourettes around 9 or 10 and ever he never left my side. I dont have class today but josh has a few classes and work so I wont be seeing him until 7pm. Awsten is at Geoff's dorm and Oli is either sleeping or he left.
Josh told me he quit his job so I know he's not at Starbucks. I'm lonely so I get up out of bed and go to the kitchen part and see Oliver is sitting on a chair like he's a monkey or bird. I go to the two person table and copy him hoping he'll smile or something because how I sit.
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He doesn't smile or react. I dont think I've ever seen him smile. Not even for something on tv or his phone.. He drinks some of his black coffee and then looks at me. His face is neutral and not as pissed off as usual.
"Goodbye," I say under my breath. I'm not going anywhere or planning to. He puts one leg down but keeps the other bent. I cross my legs because I don't feel like falling off the chair if I pass out.
He gets out his wallet and pulls out ten dollars and gives it to me. I didn't think he was going to pay me back. "Its okay, I gave it to you," I say and he frowns.
"It's yours," he says still trying to give it to me.
"Now it's yours. You earned it for dealing with me," I say and he puts it up not seeming to be happy that I didn't accept it.
"What you're words?" I ask wanting to know what his soulmate will say to him. Its obvious he hasn't found his soulmate yet because he isnt dating anyone and his phone lockscreen is a sand pit turtle. My lockscreen is of josh and Josh's is of me. That's usually what people do.
Oliver chokes on his coffee when I ask and spills it on his lap making him get up quickly and looks mad. "Shut up about that," he says and I don't understand. Doesn't be want his soulmate? He gets napkins and starts cleaning the coffee.
"Dont you want to find them?" I ask and he scowls at me.
"I already did. Now fuck off," he says and leaves the kitchen and goes to his room. He found his? Why isn't he with them? I think about his words for a little while and get lonely again. I won't bring it up today, I just want to sit in the same room as him.
I get up and go into his room to see him zipping up new pants still shirtless. I've never seen someone with tattoos on their stomach. He has a million. I look at them as he buttons his pants and he looks at me. "They are so pretty," I say and he opens his drawer about to get a shirt.
My eyes land on where our name tattoos show up to see scars scratching it out. Well as if the name was still there, like I said before they disappear. Did he cut himself there..? Why? He puts his long sleeved shirt on and I feel.. something weird in my soul.
How could someone hurt themselves? "W-why did- why are-" I fumbled over my words. He looks at me and shrugs.
"It happened 2 years ago, so it doesn't matter anymore," he says and I feel so lost. He cut his wrist.. That would hurt.. I dont understand how someone could go through that pain and why? Whst did it do? The words aren't even there so it's not like he got rid of them.
He sits on his bed and flops back so he's laying on his back. I come over and he watches me but doesn't move. I sit on the edge of his bed and again he doesn't move. Its obvious he would rather be not be this close but he hasn't shooed me away yet.
Slowly I grab his hand and put his arm in my lap. Slowly I rool up his sleeve and look at the bunched up scars. They are old and tattooed on but its obvious he did it because of how it looks. It looks like it was deep..
I touch them and look at his face to see his eyes are closed and his face is facing the ceiling and not me. I push his other sleeve up to see no scars. He doesn't flinch or move as I inspect his skin.
I fix his sleeve and sign. Why are there scars there? He already seems upset so I wont ask about it. Not yet. "Cook me food?" I ask.
"Cook it yourself," he mumbles.
"Liquid chickens!" I yell and he looks at me with a 'really' expression. "I want eggs but I cant be around eggs.. cooking is not my thing," I say remembering what happened last time.
"Fine," he says getting up. I follow him to the kitchen and he gets out the eggs, cheese, butter, and seasonings. As he is getting the pan my body can help itself and I grab a egg and throw it straight up and it splatters on the ceiling.
"Oh no," I say and look at it but it then falls onto my head making me gasp. I make a weird noise and flap my arms a little.
Oliver looks at the ceiling and then me and takes the egg shells and some of the egg off my hair and throws it away. "Good job, now go take a shower. Eggs will be done later," he says and I pout. Why did I have to throw it? I leave to go get clothes. I'm so glad this dorm room has a shower on it because I've never gone into a public shower room and hopefully I never will.
I get my onesie and towel and go to the bathroom. Showering and taking baths scare me but I cant really ask for him to come watch me shower. I've made Awsten stay in my bathroom when I took baths because I'd drown if I passed out and baths are easy because bubbles and soapy water can make it less awkward.
