I'm so tired of not ever being able to relax. Its impossible because my body is always doing it's own things, my voice is also uncontrollable. My tourettes is like a rude person inside of me that loves to swear and say inappropriate things. He also love to hit things and throw things.
If I didn't have tourettes I feel like I might be a real fun person to be around. I'm attractive and my personality is good- well my real personality and not what people get. People see me as an anxiety filled freak with tourettes.
My anxiety is a part of me but its really bad because I get anxiety for getting anxiety because when I'm anxious I tend to freak out and have to many tics I cant control. "Kells, 9 o'clock," Awsten says and I look to my righ, oh that's 3 o'clock. I look the opposite way and see josh walking towards us with his hands in his pockets.
"Oh," I say not knowing what to do.
"Go talk to him, maybe you to can walk around campus. It's pretty nice," he says. Oh god I'm going to embarrass myself some more. I stand up and look at Awsten.
"Stay with me in case I pass out or do something weird?" I whisper because josh is getting closer. Awsten nods and leans against his car and I walk to josh with a smile. I'm happy my soulmate is attractive, I was worried I wouldn't be physically attracted to my partner.
Josh smiles and I can see his face get a little flushed. "I saw you as I was driving in so I decided I'd come say hi," he says and I feel myself blush. He likes me enough to take time out of his day just to see me.
"That's nice, I though I might have scared you away with the tourettes," I say and catch him looking at Awsten. I glance at Awsten to see hes watching us like how I assumed he would. I look back at josh who is now looking at me.
His curly hair is messy but good looking and he has some trimmed facial hair. "Would you like to walk around and talk a little?" He asks and I shake my head no on accident.
"Yeah," I say and we we start walking. I look at Awsten and smile at him when he starts walking at a extremely slower pace than me and josh. He'll help if I freak out. I doubt josh would know what to do especially if I faint.
"How old are you?" He asks. He's probably older than me.
"I turned 20 in April," I tell him so he knows I just turned 20 recently. He takes his hands out of his black leather jacket and touches his face for a moment.
"That's cute, I'm 22," he says and I feel like I'm about to say something. Please don't. Should I warn him?
"Step," I say every time I take a step. After the fourth step I stop and he does to.
"What's happening?" He asks. Please dont bring up or point out my tics. I might be done? I take a step. "Step," ugh.
"I'm sorry, I cant walk without saying step- step," I say getting upset that I feel out of control. "Kill yourself nobody likes you," I cover my mouth after shouting that. "Im sorry I cant-" a bark stops my sentence abruptly. "Control-" another bark. I cover my face and try to hide as I bark.
"Uh, am I supposed to do something-? I dont know what to do?" He says but I cant talk. He stands there awkwardly watching me be a bitch and embarrass myself. I pull my hair with one hand and the other tries to stop the other.
Awsten jogs up and grabs my hand and pulls my hair out of my own grasp. He hugs me as my arm are by my side and wont swing around. I hold my wrist behind him and make weird noises but muffled by his shirt. "You just have to learn how to react, sometimes touching him can make it worse but usually hugging him like this helps," Awsten says as I try to control myself.
I stomp on his foot and he makes a sound of pain. "Ouch!" I say for him and he laughs a little. I giggle because I'm the one who said ouch and Awsten is the one I stomp ones foot. I pull away a little and look at josh.
"Sorry I'll learn, are you okay?" Josh says and I stomp again and Awsten moves his feet.
"Yeah. Thanks Awsten, " I say and Awsten smiles a little. He then looks around.
"I'll be close but you guys can continue your walk," he says ruffling my hair. I love my hair ruffled. Josh steps closer to me and puts his hand on my back. My face goes red and I look at him to see hes looking at Awsten. Why does he keep looking at him like that?
"Let's walk," he says and starts walking, since his hand is on my back I follow instantly. We leave Awsten but I know Awsten is fine with this. "So what's your favorite thing to do?" Josh asks me.
"Drawing or writing, I can actually control myself when I do those things," I say and his hand goes up a little to between my shoulder blades. "What about you?" I say and stumble a little because my foot wanted to stomp as I was stepping. His hand slips back to the small of my back and we pretend I didn't almost go face first into the ground.
"I love to sing and play guitar. But it drives Oliver insane," He says with a little chuckle. "I hope I dont bother you guys either," he says.
"Its hard to annoy me, unless it's to do with my tourettes," I say and feel myself walk a little closer to him. We make small talk as we walk and decide to go to his room that will soon be our room. Awsten starts walking with us and the tics I do have are little and most are unnoticed.
Thoughts
Is this lacking to much detail?
Thought on kellin?
Awsten?
Josh?
