Being in Oli's embrace when I wake up is a nice feeling.
He's asleep with his mouth open and hair everywhere. That's adorable. I move a little to look at him bette but this disturbs him and he closes his mouth and rubs his face but goes back to being fully asleep.
I'm pretty sure he's a light sleeper unlike Josh. Awsten is both, sometimes he wakes up with the slightest noise or stays asleep when his alarm goes off. I blush seeing he doesn't have a shirt on. Of course I knew he didn't have one but I was to busy looking at his face to notice.
He wakes up and looks at me. He mumbles something under his breath and let's go of me and scoots away some. "Why are you still in my bed?" He says rubbing his face.
"You're comfortable and I was sleeping," I say and he looks to the side at me and thinks. His eyes scan me and he touches his scars.
He looks sad.. I think that a lot but that's the vibe he radiates. He sighs and turns away so his back is to me. He seems not okay.. I scoot closer and wrap my arms around him. I dont mind being the bigger spoon.
"Dont you know I'm no good for you?" He whispers.
"I dont think you understand. Just because you hurt other people or people hurt you doesn't mean everyone is like that. I uh.. I like you and I'm not sure if I mean that as friends or not," I say and he turns around and puts his face in my chest.
He then does something I'm not expecting. He starts crying.. he hugs onto me and cries. Carefully I rub his back. He probably closes off his emotions and bottles it up.
His body shakes as I comfort him to the best of my ability. "You can talk to me about it," I tell him because I mean it. He sits up and wipes his face. I sit up to and get his hair out of his face.
"I dont want to cause you to be depressed. I dont want you to get bad habits or be negative like me," he says wipe his face over and over with shakey hands. "I fucking hate myself for it but- everyone I've ever loved I changed for the worst," he says voice breaking a few times. He looks so broken..
I hug him as he talks. "I'm a bad person and I shouldn't talk to you. Fuck, I already got you to do drugs," he says shakily.
"Oli, you aren't going to change me. I've been thinking about weed for a while because it does help with tourettes. And just because you're sad doesn't mean I'm going to be. I'm naturally a happy person even with people tellin me to kill myself. You wont change me," I tell him and he hugs me tightly.
He continues to cry in my arms, I feel sad he's crying but I also feel a little relieved he's opening up. He pulls away with tears running down his perfect face. He looks at my face and I'm caught of guard when his lips meet mine.
I kiss back and close my eyes. He licks my bottom lip so I part my lips and we kiss slowly. This kiss is so much different than me and Josh's. Again I dont mean better I mean different. His hands hold the side on my face and I hold one of his wrists and the other rests on his thigh.
He pulls away slowly and I open my eyes to see him wipe his tears that have stopped. "Sorry.. I dont know why I did that," he says looking like he thinks he did something stupid. I blush harder and move some of my hair.
"Its okay. I liked it, but are you okay?" I ask and he shrugs.
"It doesn't matter. I deserve it," he says like he really means it. I shake my head no.
"Why aren't you okay?" I ask but he gets up.
"I got to go somewhere. Go to vic's if you cant be alone," he says putting on a shirt and shoes before leaving. I shouldn't try to follow him, he needs space.
I get up and dont bother putting on my shoes, I'm only walking on carpet. I go to vic's and knock on his door and he opens it looking like a visco girl. He has on a sweater and I cant see his underwear because of how long the sweater is and his hair is in a messy bun. He's holding a coffee and looks like he just woke up. He smiles when he sees me and I feel guilty as I look at his perfect smile.
Why do I like three people at once?
"Hey kells," he says letting me in. Vic is very nice but its different than Josh and way different from Oli.
"Hey vic, nobody's at my room so I decided to come here. Are you busy?" I ask and he sits on his bed cross legged.
"Nope, I was getting bored so I'm happy you came," he says and for a split second I thought he meant so he could laugh at my tics but then I realized he's not like that. I nod and sit on the edge of his bed. So far today my tics have been minor and almost only with my hands and feet.
-
A little while of hanging our with Vic I start noticing he keeps playing with his sleeves. I guess it isnt abnormal but it's just caught my eye because he seems nervous doing it but his face and voice seems confident and not anxious at all.
He messes with his hair and I look at his pale yellow sweater. It looks really good on his and- not to be a creep but it looks like he does a lot of squats.
"I dont think I'm going next semester. I'm failing all my classes and they haven't kicked me yet but I feel they want to," I say because we are talking about college.
"That sounds like it must suck. But it might be best for your mental health," he says and I nod.
"Maybe but I'm less lonely here. I get to see josh every day and Awsten. Plus you and Oli," I say and he looks at me weirdly. Oh I said oli and not Oliver. Oops.
"Hmm.. well, you could still see us daily even if you quit," he says and I nod. But it wont be the same. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as them or whatever.
Vic goes to rub his face and when he bends his arm the sleeve goes down and I see exactly why he was messing with his sleeve. My lips part and he quickly pulled it down.
Vic..
"You-" I say and look around. He looks guilty and uncomfortable. "Why?" I whisper. Why does Vic have cuts on his wrist? Why do they look fresh? why do I think he did it to himself on purpose? I thought he was happy?
"I dont want to talk about it right now.. can you just keep it a secret?" He asks looking sad. Does josh know? What about Oli? Can someone help him?
"Okay.. but.. you're okay right?" I ask.
The smile he does looks different from the ones I saw earlier. "Of course," he says but I know it's a lie. I feel weird and I dont know what to do.
The door opens and Awsten comes in and Vic makes a face saying 'please dont tell them'. "Kellin! You wont believe what we did," Awsten says and Geoff is by his side looking at him with a look I want Oli to look at me like.
I smile at this and then Awsten explains his date to me and Vic. Vic seems to be happy to talk to him and I think that's good. I just want everyone to be okay. But why isnt Vic okay?
Thoughts?
Vic?
Kells?
Oli?
Josh?
