When I wake up I see I'm laying on Oli's bed leaning on him as he's writing something.
I put my face on his arm and sigh. He smells good.. "how do you spell epiphany?" He asks. I hug on to him and look at his paper to see he's not writing a note. Theres phrases and sentences on random parts of the paper. 'Do you want a start a cult with me?' That's weird but it sounds cool.
"E.. p.. I-" I stop and take his pencil because I cant spell out words I cant see. I write the word down and give him his pencil. He writes the word in big cursiv letters and then writes really small his question.
"What's that?" I ask looking at his paper because when I read it, it doesn't make sense.
"Just song ideas," he says but closes the notebook. Song ideas? He likes to sing? Or just write? I try to take the notebook but he doesn't let me take it so I pout and give up on seeing it. I melt onto him and start thinking.
Would Josh be okay with this? I'm not hiding it, he can literally just walk out of his room and see me snuggled up to his ex that cheated on him. Josh does not trust Oli so he will probably not like this at all. But he did say open relationship and didn't say 'do not fo anything with Oliver'.
Does it make me a bad person for making excuses to see someone I know my boyfriend doesn't like? "Fuck off," I say and not attention is drawn to it. He didn't even look at me. Josh always looks at me after I tic to see if I'm okay. It annoying but I dont hate it, it means he's just worried about me.
Oli doesn't look because... he knows I'm okay? I'm not sure but I appreciate it because it doesn't make me feel embarrassed or like I'm helpless.
My mom keeps telling me she wants me back home because shes worried about me.. My dad has said he doesn't mind either way as long as I'm happy.. it's not even two months in but I think I'll go home, school really is too hard for me. It's been making me sad and frustrated more.
I hate the public and being at school is like the public so I'm where I hate being 24/7. "You look sad. Stop," Oli's British accent speaks up. Is it noticeable im sad? I'm not really sad often- well, to a degree I am but that's just because I hate having tourettes.
"Sorry," I mumble and he makes me sit up. I pout because I was comfortable pressed against his warm body but now I'm sitting on his bed. I move so I'm sitting on his lap and I put my face on his shoulder.
He sighs and puts his hands on my lower back. "What's wrong? Did I do something?" He asks sounding distant. What? Why should he think he did something? I lean back and put my hands on his shoulders.
His face isnt neutral anymore, its sad.. "I'm just a little upset about my classes. I'm still failing all of them and people keep telling me to kill myself and to hurt myself but I don't want to do that or hear the negativity.." I tell him the truth. I don't really like lying but I usually lie about this.
My mom would have a heart attack if she heard what people say to me. I've always been bullied but its almost never physical so I'm lucky. I have a loving family and a positive attitude so I wont end up doing what they say.
"Who the fuck told you that? Give me a list of names and I'll-"
I cover his mouth. That made him mad.. he stops and looks confused on why I stopped him from talking. "I believe in karma, you don't have to do anything because they will get what they deserve. If you hurt them you'll just get hurt later. Thank you but I'm just going to drop out and do online classes. Or just not do college, it's not really important. My family can and will support me and I'll just get a part time job," I explain.
Ive though about it a lot and it really would be the best thing to do. He makes a displeased face and sighs. "People are fucking stupid," he mumbles and I put my face back on his shoulder. Some people are really good too yet most good people dont know they are. I think I'm a good person, not the best, but decent.
The door (the front door to be exact) opens and I dont need to see to know its Awsten. I can hear his footsteps that are unlike others. I've told him that but I cant explain it. I just can tell. I lean back yet again to look at Awsten to see he's looking at me already.
"Uh.. why are you on him and not josh?" Awsten asks seeming genuinely confused.
"Why not?" I ask back. He knows I'm in a open relationship and knows I have a crush on Oliver. He makes a 'you got me there' face and starts sheds his jacket and shoes over on his side.
"I'm getting sleepy so I'm going to go lay down," I say getting off of Oliver.
Oli nods and Awsten tells me Goodnight. I tell them Goodnight and after hugging Awsten I go to my room. Josh is asleep so I go over to him and pull up his blanket so he can be warm. I plug in his dying phone and then kiss his forehead.
I really love him..
I go to my bed and cuddle up to my pillow and snuggling into my blankets. I wonder if I could drop out but still live here? People do that if their roommates are cool with it and they have nowhere else to go. Some guy across the hall has a girlfriend who dresses up like a guy so she can spend the night with him.
I don't want to leave because if I'm not required to go to class I actually really like it here. Josh, Oli, Vic, and Awsten are all people I really love and want to be in my life. If I leave I'll be lonely.
Awsten halfway lived with me before college but now he cant do that if he's here and in home.
Thoughts?
