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I'm so excited for bmth's new song
Something happened in class today and it still has me upset. It was in the class I have with Awsten so he helped but I'm avoiding my other classes causing me to be home alone.
It's funny that I consider this home but i dont really it's just easy to say or think that. What happened in class was technically a tic attack but it was really bad. It felt like i was having a seizure. I don't know the definition of a seizure so I'm not going to say it was one because I dont have seizures it was just tics.
It was just constant and I couldn't control anything and I freaked out Awsten, myself, and everyone in the class. Awsten helped me he but he has to do his classes or he'll get kicked. College fucking sucks.
If you miss two classes you're kicked. I have an exception but I'm sure theres a limit. "Fuck fuck- fuck!" I yell still twitchy. I fucking hate this. I make sneeze like noises and slap my face softly.
I'm okay.
The door opens and Oli looks surprised to see me. "Shouldn't you be in class?" He asks and I fake sneeze more. It's not sneezing but it sounds like a cat sneeze.
"Yeah but- goodbye- but I uh- oh I'm ticing to much," I sometimes lose focus really easily when I tic because it's like my brain cant handle it.
"I was going to the cemetery.. I dont usually invite people but if you want we can smoke there and it might help?" He says hesitantly like he might not actually want me to go.
"I'm going to kill myself," his eyes go wide. "I'm not, sorry," I say quickly. He grabs things I guess he came here for and I get up. I'm already wearing shoes and everything because i was thinking about going to my last class if I calmed down.
"My grandfather killed himself so that kinda just surprised me. You're tics- do they come from what you think about?" He asks and I lightly hit my forehead.
"Yes and no- yip- like I might say 'bomb' in a airport because I'm thinking about not thinking about it. But a lot of its.." what am I talking about.. oh. "Its about like, things I've heard or deem inappropriate," I say walking with him out of the room.
"Hold my hand before I get a bruise on my forehead," I say annoyed at my hand for abusing me. I abuse myself. He grabs my hand and I feel my arm muscles freak out but he holds my and with his left hand and my right arm with his right hand that's cross over his chest.
I clinch my hand and I'm glad I clip my nails regularly. "Does that hurt?" I ask him because I cant really tell how hard I'm clinching my hand.
"Nah, your hands are squishy," he says. Uh... is that a compliment? He goes to the stairs and I stop.
"Stairs?" I asks unsure.
"Yeah you dont like elevators and it wouldn't be to hard using the stairs going down," he says. He's trying to be sweet but act like he's not.
"Um.. I once- way more than once- tried to jump off the railing of trip myself down the stairs. I had to go to the hospital a few times after falling down them," I tell him. I've never broken bones but it wasn't a pleasant time down.
"Oh."
"Uh.. maybe the elevator would be better," he says and I nod. We go to the elevator and I hug on to him and he rests his chin in my head and presses the button. He doesn't really hug or hold me but he doesn't push me away.
