"I'll be ready for you daddy." Despite how calm he tried to sound, the very moment the phone call ended he was running around like a chicken with it's actual head cut off. Thankfully, somehow, the entire apartment always managed to stay an acceptable level of clean, and his room was neat and tidy. But what would Jungkook actually think about it? About the rows of products lined up atop his dresser? About the black cotton sheets currently covering his bed. About the baby pinks and bright purples he had used to add accents and flairs?
But he had a task, something to complete, something to take his mind off what he had just done. What he was about to do. And so he focused on that. Went to the top drawer of his dresser and searched through the piles of underwear - the normal cotton boxers that he wore at work, and whenever he had any sort of appointment, not really feeling like having to explain himself and his choices. And the little stack of pretty panties that he kept for himself. There wasn't any red, mostly because he hadn't actually gone shopping, but there hadn't been a reason to. What was he supposed to do? Just buy multiple sets of expensive underwear and then use them constantly on the off chance that Jungkook may one day stumble across his path a second time?
Only that was exactly what had happened, and he silently cursed himself. There was white silk and pink lace and there at the very bottom was a cute little pair of black boy shorts. Made from silk and trimmed with lace, they hugged his curves and made his ass look absolutely phenomenal. And he didn't even hesitate to snatch them, to tug his pants downwards and slip his current pair off, replacing them with the one he had chosen.
Only for his mind to suddenly catch up with his actions and for the rest of Jungkook's request - no, something inside of him whispered. It hadn't been a request. It had been a demand. And he definitely should not have liked it as much as he did. Shouldn't like being told what to do. Having that little bit of control taking away from him. Shouldn't like having someone take him over so completely that he forgot who he even was.
But he did. He wanted it. Wanted to forget about himself for a little bit. About how he wasn't good enough. About his lack of self esteem, how he didn't have a single ounce of confidence in his entire body. How he felt ugly and awkward in his own skin, like the body that he had been born into wasn't right. Like someone had just put a bunch of random pieces together and called it a day.
Something in him must have snapped. It must have well and truly and completely come unglued. Because what he did was unhinged. Crazy beyond any actual measure of the word.
But there were a series of very distinct pictures that currently resided in his phone of him on his knees, bent at the waist, four fingers buried deep inside of his own tight heat, made wet and messy by the copious amounts of lubricate he had used. His pretty little hole clenched around nothing, all ready and stretched and so empty he could practically feel something missing in his soul.
Having it should have been embarrassing - and it was. Buying it had been a mortifying experience that he had barely been able to bring himself to complete. Actually walking into a shop and pursuing what he thought he might like was enough to give him a series of panic attacks so intense that he barely even made it home. But he'd somehow managed to make it through, purchasing the entire arsenal of toys that currently resided in a nondescript box tucked quietly under his bed in one go.
A single silicone dildo that was never going to feel quite big enough again, not after he had been entirely ruined by this man. And a pretty little purple plug that he had never actually had a use for until right this moment. The jewel winked in the soft light, drawing attention to his abused rim and making his ass look even more inviting than it had before. Sometimes he thought it was unfortunate that he couldn't meet people backwards so they could take in his very best asset first.
It had taken the entirety of the given twenty minutes, before he was slipping the silk and lace back up his legs, tugging soft cotton along behind, and he let out a soft whimper as he had to jump slightly to pull it up over the swell of his ass, the movement making the plug shift and rub against that spot inside of him, already swollen and on edge from the push of his fingers.
Twenty minutes. And then thirty. Then forty. And he started to wonder if this was all just some cosmic joke the universe was playing on him. Of course someone like Jungkook wouldn't actually want him enough to make all of that effort. Of course no one would actually ever want to be with him that much. He wasn't worth it. Even with the amount of work he had put in, he still wasn't worth anything.
An hour ticked by, and he thought that maybe he should just give up. That was what any actual sane person would do. They would go back into their bedroom and take that silly toy out of them and shower and go to sleep like a rational human being. They wouldn't still be sitting there, perched oh so carefully on their sofa, making sure the plug didn't shift any deeper or do anything to make him exceptionally uncomfortable. They wouldn't check their phone every thirty seconds for some message that never came.
So why was he? He would never understand these things about himself. Would never understand why he continued to let these things happen. Was there really absolutely nothing redeeming enough about him that he deserved better than this? Was he really worth so little that someone could say they would be there in twenty minutes and the allow actual hours to go by without another word?
Apparently so. And he realized in that moment that it was entirely his own fault. He had fooled himself into thinking that someone actually wanted him. That sexual attraction would somehow be enough to ease this feeling of emptiness inside of him. That he would be fine so long as he could pretend, just for a little while.
But it wasn't fine. And he knew it. He knew it and yet he always made the wrong decisions. Always did the opposite of what he should. Maybe that was the problem. He never did what he should. He always listened to those sneaky little voices inside of his mind and never paid attention to reality.
And the reality was that Jungkook was probably still where ever the hell he had been doing what ever the hell he wanted. Maybe he was with Jimin. Or maybe he had just found someone better to entertain him for the night.
He honestly didn't know. And for once he didn't allow his mind to go down that path. He should have been proud of himself for it, but all he felt was tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of doing this to himself. And the bit of sadness that seeped into the edges when he realized he had wasted three hours of his life that could have been spent doing literally anything else.
A sigh slipped from his throat as he entered the shower, letting the hot spray fall down onto his skin. Another came when he reached back and pulled out the silicone plug, washing it carefully before setting it aside, making a mental note to take it back with him. The absolute last thing that he needed was for Taehyung to find it. There would be no end to the teasing he would receive, and he really did not think he could handle that amount of embarrassment right now.
There was something about being clean that always made him feel so much better. So much more alive. And as he slipped into his pajamas, the clean white shirt and the thick flannel bottoms, he realized that he had to be the one in control. He had to start making better choices. If he ever wanted anything to get better, he had to start with him.
If only there was some way to keep the tears from coming. Then maybe he could have started right there, in the dead of night, with chilled air and darkness falling over him instead of waiting for the brilliance of the sun.
...
Things always looked better by the light of day. And as he woke he found that he felt different. Not exactly better, but there was something new inside of him. Something that had changed without him realizing it.
He didn't even bother to look at his phone. And he realized that maybe that was the first step. Instead of constantly seeking out validation and praise from whatever source he could get, maybe he had to start finding it within himself. It sounded like every single cheesy self help book that he had ever read, but his therapist had once told him something similar. That he needed to stop looking for other's to give him what he should have been giving himself.
It wouldn't last. He was entirely aware of the fact that it definitely wouldn't last. It never did. But a few good days with this feeling inside of him was better than carrying that deep hurt around within his heart for the rest of his life.
