He was going to break him. Destroy him. Because he was an infection and he already saw how it had seeped into Seokjin's very soul. How it was beginning to fester inside of his heart. And it was already too late. It was going to eat away at him, from the inside out, until there was nothing left by an empty husk where beauty used to lie.
Maybe then he would finally be free of this addiction. When he had sucked everything that he could out and left Seokjin a lifeless mess on the floor.
But he was also the cure and the remedy and he could apply the salve at any time he chose. Could begin to heal that wound that was already so deep, already pulsating blood and pus with each heart beat.
He was terrified.
Terrified of giving that much of himself to someone. Terrified of them realizing that the love he so convincingly faked was nothing more than a carefully constructed lie. Terrified that Seokjin would crack him open and peer inside and see that he was empty. That there was nothing where his heart should have been.
But he felt it. Felt it beating within his own chest. Felt the way it fell into time with Seokjin's, beat after beat after beat. Felt something thick and hard rise up inside of his throat. Tried to bite it back. Tried to force it down. But it was coming. An unstoppable force that his mind wasn't strong enough to control.
He loved Seokjin.
He loved him so much.
Completely.
Entirely.
Unconditionally.
Without even thinking his forehead had become pressed against the other's, resting there like a dead weight. His breathing had become quick and labored, like he was fighting against the pain that had suddenly surged into his chest. His heart raced, falling out of time with it's match, and he mourned the loss of it. Of that special moment in time that may never be repeated.
Didn't even notice that those eyes had fluttered open, their beautiful depth swirling with so many different colors he couldn't even name them all. Flecks of amber and reflections of light and he felt himself falling into them. Falling into everything they represented. Everything they offered.
Found his lips moving before he could stop them. Had their truth falling from them in a torrent of words that came like rain.
"I love you."
Everything stopped.
The entire world paused. The earth it's self stopped spinning. The sun stopped shining and time stopped moving and everything fell into disarray. Fell into panic. Fell into the war that was currently raging inside of him.
"No you don't." It was a whisper. But it was broken. Torn down to it's lowest level and he knew. Knew that he had done it. That instead of applying healing salve he was so desperately trying to create he had begun the process of breaking that which he cared about most.
"I love you." It came again, and he wondered why those words weren't being said back. Wondered why they weren't enough.
And he realized then that this was what Seokjin went through every single day. The thoughts that passed through his head. The endless series of questions. Of why he wasn't enough for someone to want. Why he wasn't enough for someone to care for. Why he wasn't enough for someone to love.
And when someone finally did, it was someone who's only purpose was to break him.
It was so unfair. What he was doing was so unfair. It was so selfish and evil and he could feel the guilt begin to set in. Knew that he was using those words like a weapon instead of the beautiful revelation they should have been.
Felt the sadness radiate off Seokjin in thick waves. Knew that he was going to become lost in it. Drown in it. Prepared for his death with the knowledge that he was the creator of his own misery. Of their misery.
He should have just left Seokjin alone.
But if he had to do it all over again.
Knowing what he did right now.
Right in this moment.
He wouldn't.
He would only make the infection set in faster.
He wanted Seokjin to say something. To answer him back. Wanted to hear those words in his voice directed at him. Wanted to feel that sensation of light exploding within his chest.
But it never came. Because he didn't deserve for them to come. Not after what he had done. Not after what he had caused.
"I'm going to pretend like you didn't say that." Really, Seokjin was doing him a favor. Was locking away in this moment in some hidden cage within his heart and mind where it would sit. Where it would fester. Leaving him free of the consequences that were meant to come. Seokjin was letting him go. Allowing him to still be free.
He should have been happy.
"Don't you love me too?" Why did that thought hurt so much? Why did it feel like his insides were breaking apart? Why did it feel like he was being eaten alive by his own actions?
How did Seokjin live with this ugly feeling inside of him each and every single day? How did he survive? How did he want to keep going?
"I love you like an addict loves a drug. I know that eventually you're going to destroy me, but I keep coming back anyway." This was it. This was the end. He could feel it. Sense it. And everything inside of him screamed to find a way to keep it from happening.
"You can stay addicted." Until, eventually, they overdosed on one another. Until they could no longer control the need, until it grew too large for them to handle.
He felt it then. Like a gentle breeze blowing across the wide open space, filling the cracks and crevices that remained between them. Felt the change, subtle and profound. Felt the light within those eyes dim just a little bit more.
"I love you." It came again. Like a desperate whisper breathed into life. Forced out into the world with the last air from his dying lungs.
"I love you too." It wasn't an admission but a painful sob. Heart wrenching and broken and he should hate the way those words sounded.
But he didn't.
He didn't.
