It was wrong.
It was so incredibly wrong.
And he should feel the weight of his own actions baring down on him. Should feel the first tendrils of guilt rising up in his gut. Should feel remorse. Should feel something. Anything.
Not happiness. Not pride that he had won. That he had proven that he was the one who was in control.
That he would always be the one in control.
...
"There you are beautiful." It was a cool night, the air chilling as the sun had set. And he had rode with the windows down, leaving his view clear and open. So he could watch as Seokjin made his way from the brightly lit interior of the building, moving quickly across the expanse of pavement before reaching the safety of his SUV. Reached across and pushed the door open, so it was already swinging out when he arrived. Sat back and watched with that same smug expression as his baby stepped up and in, placing the small bag that had been slung over his shoulder between his legs, reaching out to swing the door shut. Waited until the strap of the seat beat had been extended across that slender, beautiful body and he heard the metallic click before shifting the car into gear and pulling away.
There was nothing but silence. Silence and the sounds of the night around them. Birds quietly beginning to chirp and crickets playing their annoying song in the background. The sounds of the city had dimmed, but they were constant. And he breathed in the fresher air as it blew freely across his face, letting out a soft sigh as he pulled up to a red light and finally glanced across. "Not even gonna say hello?"
"Hello Jungkook." There was something about Seokjin's voice when he gave in. When he became submissive. It took on this weaker quality that he could never describe. Like all of the fight and all of the will power had gone directly out of him. He should hate it. Should hate how broken he sounded.
But he loved it. Loved knowing he was the only one who had that much power.
"Mm, want to try that again?" Normally he would be alright with the other calling him by his name. Generally he preferred that they stuck to the nick names they had chosen for one another. In casual conversation, Seokjin tended to call him 'Kookie' while he stuck to 'Jinnie' or 'Jin'. 'Baby' and 'daddy' were reserved for their play time. For moment's like this when he was in charge and Seokjin was meant to bend to his will.
"Hello daddy." He had wanted those words to sooth him. But all they did was make him more frustrated.
"That's better. Now tell daddy what's bothering you sweetheart." Sweetheart. The name slipped out like a butterfly trying to escape his lips. Like his tongue was no longer listening to his brain and forming words all on it's own.
"Do you know how embarrassing it was trying to explain this to Hobi?" No. No he didn't know how embarrassing it apparently was. And honestly he also really didn't care.
"Baby, there's nothing to embarrassed about. Just tell the truth." What even was their truth anymore? Had it ever been that simple? That crystal clear and well defined?
"What is the truth, Jungkook?" Seokjin rarely asked questions. If there was one thing he had to give him credit for - and there were so many things that he deserved so much credit for. - it was that he didn't ask. Oh he could see the curiosity sparking in his eyes. Could feel the way he held himself back. The way he bit his tongue. But Seokjin didn't ask questions.
Just like Seokjin didn't push. Had never once asked for some label to be placed on what they had. Had learned the rules and had followed them so well that Jungkook sometimes thought he had found the actual definition of perfection.
"Seokjin." It was dangerous. Where they were treading was so dangerous. Like the steadily inclining slope in a swimming pool, rapidly dropping off from the shallow end to the deep and if they weren't careful they might drown.
"Exactly." There was no truth. There was only a situation that they had built up around themselves, constructed out of lies that Jungkook had created.
There was so much pain contained within that one word. So much that he didn't want to think about. To understand. And as they passed until the harsh artificial light of the street lamps, he saw that same pain reflected upon the other's face. Watched as his eyes peered out through the darkness, like he could somehow find the comfort he sought within it's depths.
"I was jealous." He didn't even understand why he was saying it. Only that he was. Only that something deep inside was screaming at him to fix it. To save it. Just like it always did when it felt like they were edging to close to the end. "That's the truth, Seokjin. I saw that picture of you and I thought you were with someone else and I got jealous."
"Why?" Realistically, there was absolutely nothing for him to be jealous about. There was absolutely nothing special about Seokjin. There was absolutely nothing special about what they had. By all accounts, it made no sense.
"Because you're mine." Seokjin was his. In all of this, that was the one thing he had always held as truth. Water was wet, the sky was blue and Seokjin was his. It was the only thing his heart and his mind could actually agree on.
"I would never cheat on you." This wasn't a relationship. Wasn't something that deep. This wasn't love. This wasn't the reason why he continued breathing. Wasn't the last thing he thought about before he went to sleep at night and the first thing he thought about when he woke up.
But Seokjin was his. And that meant that no one else was allowed to have him.
"You said you would only be with me." There was something in that voice that he couldn't stand. Something filled with light so bright it felt like it was burning him from the inside out.
Hope. And he hated it.
Hope. And he loved it.
"So, that means I'm only with you too." Those words should not make his heart flutter the way they did. Should not make the burning in his lungs lessen. Should not make the rapid fire feed back loop that had been playing within his mind for hours suddenly calm.
Seokjin was his. Seokjin was only his.
"Our truth is that you belong to me, Seokjin." He had kept those words inside for so long, despite the way they kept threatening to spill out. It felt too close to something else. Too close a declaration he was never going to make.
"Yeah." There was that sadness again. Like Seokjin had just resigned himself to this life of one sided love. That he knew he was always going to give so much more than he got. "I do."
