Sunlight.
Thick and rich and golden. Purifying. Bathing sinners in the warmth of righteousness, drawing them down the path of redemption.
Something had changed.
As the night had failed, had given in to the brightness of day. As the moon had fallen and the sun had risen, something had changed. Transformed. Become fresh and new and exciting.
Had become perfect.
It could be felt resonating through every single fiber of ones being. Through out every nerve ending. Wrapped around each corded muscle and solidifying inside every bone.
Change wasn't just coming.
It was already here.
...
Maybe that change was the promise that had been kept.
Maybe it was the fact that when that internal alarm that always began screaming at him in the early morning hours began to sound, when his mind started to tell him to flee, to leave, to get out before this got any deeper, before it became anything else, he turned it off.
Turned it off and rolled over and actually smiled. Smiled at the sight of dark brown hair messily sprawled across the pale colored pillow case. Smiled at the lines and creases that had been form in the other's flawless skin. Smiled at those full lips, so puffy and pink and he couldn't stop himself from leaning in, from pressing his own against them.
He could say what he was feeling then. Could let the words out into the open air instead of keeping them locked away inside. Where they would eat away at him. Burn a hole in his stomach and his heart and damage him until there was nothing left.
Could nudge his nose so gently against Seokjin's, could nuzzle into the warmth his provided. Could act for once like he wasn't the one who was in control.
Because he wasn't. He wasn't in control at all. That was nothing more than a lie that he tried to tell himself to justify his own actions. To somehow make them okay. To somehow make them right.
It felt like he was holding his entire world within his arms. A beautiful galaxy filled with deep complexities that he couldn't even begin to understand. Swirling colors and bright stars lighting up the night sky. A sun that shone so bright it was impossible to stand too close, to get too near.
He hated this feeling.
Resented it.
Tried to squash it down. Bury it. Forget it.
But it just kept coming back. Relentless and strong.
How many times would he be able to stop the consequences of his own actions? How long would he be able to prolong their suffering?
This had always been meant to end. Had always had some date, some set about of time that was finite. Nothing could be added and nothing could be taken away and it constantly felt like he was operating on time that had already been borrowed and he wondered constantly what it had been taken from. Probably the years of his own life. But he would willing give them if it meant spending another morning like this.
If it meant gently brushing those soft locks away from the other's face. Trailing the backs of his knuckles across the smooth skin. If it meant pressing soft kisses against those lips, feeling the way his chest seemed to constantly fill with some emotion he didn't know the name of.
Was it love? He knew the textbook definition. That it was an intense, all consuming feeling. Knew all of the things that he should be feeling.
Knew that possessiveness shouldn't be among them. Knew that jealousy shouldn't be there either. The need to own, the desire to take over this person so completely that there was nothing left of themselves. To leave his mark upon his skin, a sign of the ownership he so clearly held. So that all who dared to come too close to what was his would see the scar and know that this one was already taken. That this one was already found. Already possessed.
Already loved.
That was what Seokjin wanted.
To be loved. To be wanted. To be needed. It was so clear, written in all of his actions. In the way he cared for Jungkook. In the things he did. In the pictures he took for him and the text he sent. In the way he always answered each call. In the way he always agreed to whatever he wished for them. In the way he was always so eager to see him. In the way that he would open himself, offer up his body so willingly.
And his heart lie there at the center. Always untouched.
The suffering must be unbearable.
And he was the cause. He was the cause and the effect and the reason for everything. And in that moment he wondered if he should just let him go. Just set him free the way he had Jimin.
But he didn't even miss Jimin. Had barely even thought of him outside of the context used when comparing the two. Never once wondered how he was. Where he was. Who he was with. If he was happy. If he was safe. It was like night and day. One moment he had cared and the next minute he hadn't. It had been so easy to shut off that particular emotion. So easy to stop it from happening.
He couldn't do that with Seokjin.
He knew. He had tried.
