There was part of him that wanted to know why. Of course there was. It just wouldn't be him without wanting to cause himself even more emotional trauma. But he didn't actually have the courage to find out the answers. So he let it go.
Tired to let it go. But everything that he had ever tried to release back into the world always simply came right back to haunt him. And Jungkook was never meant to be any different.
...
There were flowers waiting for him when he arrived at work. A beautiful bouquet of tiger lilies, all bright swirling colors giving in to brilliant white, dotted with dark black spots that stood out perfectly against the backdrop they had been painted upon. There was a small card, but he didn't even bother to read it. Just snatched up the vase and carried it into the back, intent on hiding it away before anyone else managed to notice it. But there were only so many places where flowers could be kept, and the walk in was the only one where they wouldn't wilt within hours. So everyone saw them. And everyone commented on them. At the end of the day he had heard so many light hearted teases and fielding so many questions that he no longer actually cared who they were from.
He wanted to drop them into the nearest garbage bin and be done with them.
But he didn't. Because it was him and he never stuck to his resolve, no matter how strong it may have been at the beginning.
...
'A flower for a flower.' He scoffed at that, licking his lips and biting at them as he looked away from the card. It was too much, and he needed to stop the way it made his heart flutter within his chest. There was no apology, no explanation, and he guessed really, considering the position he had put himself into, had set himself up for, he didn't deserve one. He definitely wasn't ever going to receive one, that much was entirely clear.
And he shouldn't allow himself to be treated like that. Should at least want something more than flowers to smooth things over. Should know that he deserved so much better than some little silly little present that would die within days.
He should.
But he didn't.
...
"Did you like your present baby?" Why he had actually answered the phone was completely beyond his own comprehension. He had denied that very same phone call twice already. But apparently third time truly was the charm, the sound of his ring tone finally annoying him just enough to actually answer.
"They're very pretty." He tried not to sound annoyed. And why he was working so hard to keep that particular emotion out of his voice he would never know.
"Not as pretty as you." The compliment shouldn't do what it did to him. He shouldn't allow it to do what it did. But it did exactly what it was intended to do. "Do you know what they mean?"
"No." No, he didn't know what they meant. And at the moment he really didn't want to find out. Because he had the distinct feeling that it was going to be something absolutely ridiculous that would only break down his already flimsy resolve even further.
"Please love me." Those words were spoken in that soft, gentle voice, so calm and soothing and he felt like each one was a brick being thrown at his glass walls. "It reminded me of you."
Until it was followed with that sentence, and he realized that of course Jungkook would know exactly how pathetic he truly was. How very desperate he was to be loved and wanted. He couldn't even think of anything to say, any way to reply to that without giving away the sudden ball of emotion that had lodged it's self inside of his throat and the hot tears that were pricking at his eyes.
He had been right. He didn't want to know.
"Can daddy come and love you baby?" There was, admittedly, a very large part of him that wanted to simply agree. To say yes unquestioningly. To just follow along and allow it to happen. To bask in the warmth of the affection that he was being given.
But there was still that little light shining deep within him, despite the way the darkness had begun to seep back in. It was weak and dying, but it flared to life one last time, providing the courage he needed to actually do the right thing. The best thing.
"So can keep me waiting and not even bother to show up again? I don't think so, Jungkook." It wasn't as though he even had anything better to do. His only plans included a shower and changing into another pair of leggings and an over sized hoodie that was fresh out of the dryer and warm and soft and perfect. Maybe actually order something for dinner instead of forcing himself through the steps of making it. Maybe he would even finish that ice cream that was in the back of the freezer.
Pathetic. That's what it was. Even he could admit that. But despite how sad it may have seemed he was not, under any circumstances, giving it up for anyone. Not even someone who made him feel the way Jungkook did.
"Don't be like that." Considering that little flame had finally died, he doubted he could actually be like that again if he tried. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Is that what you want to hear?"
"No." He didn't want to hear anything. He wanted this to be over. Wanted to just grieve the loss and get it over with so he could move on. Put it behind him and write it off as just another mistake. He knew that the flowers were intended to be the apology without even asking. "But maybe next time you should pick flowers that mean 'sorry for being an asshole' instead."
There wasn't going to be a next time. He wasn't going to allow it. He wasn't. He would not.
A sound something like a scoff came through the other end of the line, and he knew that he had effectively just managed to end whatever this unfortunate situation was with his words. Where he should feel relief, he just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. Of loss.
Like he was going to grow old alone and unloved, but at least it was better than this.
He heard it then, a hitch in the other's breath like he was opening his mouth to speak, and the panic began to set in. The knowledge that he couldn't take anymore. That he could only sit there and listen to that beautiful voice say those things for so long before his resolve crumbled and he was left in the same exact state he had been before.
"This has been fun -" It hadn't. Sure it might have been, for those first few precious moments when he had been allowed to pretend so fully an completely. When he'd had all the tools needed to fool himself into thinking this was something else. But they had slowly been taken away, removed one by one until even he could see it wasn't enough. "- but I gotta go."
Letting his thumb actually press against the end button was, by far, one of the most difficult and yet bravest things he had done in quite a while. His heart and his mind were at war, both sides waving their banners high, each thinking they knew what was truly best for him. Which would have the best outcome. Which would provide the most comfort. Which would bring the most hurt.
His mind won. For the first time, he actually allowed his mind to win. And he already felt better for it. Stronger. Just a little. A minute amount that could, with the proper work, grow over time into something unbreakable.
All he had to do was give it that chance.
