"Hi Kookie." He hadn't even hesitated. It was like his own thumb had betrayed him with how quickly it had moved across the screen, swiping left to answer' the incoming call.
"There's my sweet boy." Another little piece of his heart completely melted at the sound of that voice, so soft and gentle, despite the way his mind wondered if this was just another persona. Just another game that was being played. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too." And he shouldn't have. Every little bit of sense that was left within his mind told him he shouldn't have. "Did you really mean it?"
"Did I really mean what baby?" Something inside of his chest clenched, so painful and deep that he didn't even know the name of it.
"That you broke up with Jimin for me." Admittedly those words had done something to him. Had raised his hopes so high he didn't think he could take it if they were let down. If they were demolished the way they were probably about to be.
"I did. As soon as we left I told him it was over. That I meant it this time." But what made this time any different from all the others? What suddenly made him a factor when he hadn't been before?
"I don't get it, Jungkook. Before you -" Always made it sound like him and Jimin were going to last forever. Like they were each other's end game. The one constant in the this giant mess. So what was this? Was he just meant to take Jimin's place? Was he the one who was meant to have him so completely, always knowing that he would come back eventually? Yet have drastic spans of time where he couldn't call Jungkook his? Where they were apart. Where he had to wonder what he was doing? "What made you change your mind?"
"You." It sounded so simple. Yet he doubted it so much. "I realized how much I liked you. How much I missed having you."
Of course. Everyone always wanted what they couldn't have. It was human nature.
"So you only want me when I'm not there." God, he sounded so pathetic right now. Of course he had believed that this time it would somehow be different. That maybe Jungkook had actually opened his eyes and seen what he was doing. What he was missing out on. Who he was ruining.
But there was nothing there to care about. He was nothing. And he was nothing going to be anything.
"No, Seokjin. You not being there made me realize how much I want you." It should have sounded like some kind of dream come true. But all he heard was some cruel joke being carried out at his expense.
"Yet you got back with Jimin." He wasn't supposed to ask questions. That had always been so clear. There were meant to be zero questions. Zero explanations. He didn't deserved any.
"That was a mistake." Answering the phone had been a mistake. All of this had been a mistake. "I was lonely and you were gone, so I did the only thing I knew."
Could he really blame Jungkook for repeating the same cycle he had constantly been stuck in? For going back to what he knew? For acting out in his loneliness? After all, hadn't it been a direct result of his actions?
No. No Jungkook had been the cause of this. He had been the one who ended it. He had been the begining and the middle and the end. The cause and the effect. And whatever loneliness he had suffered had been a direct result of his own choices.
"I can't be like you and Jimin." His heart wouldn't be able to take it. It was barely surviving this. "I can't have you for a little while and then constantly let go of you."
"You won't have to baby. Things can be just like they were before." Just like they were before. With the unspoken rules. With him giving so much of himself and only ever getting little bits and pieces in return. With his heart constantly being shattered over and over again.
"No. They can't." He couldn't sit there and constantly where Jungkook was and what he was doing and who he was doing it with.
"You'll be my only." Those words shouldn't make him feel weak. Shouldn't make him want to bend over, shouldn't make him want to give in. But they did. And he was so incredibly close to it. To saying alright. To agreeing to whatever new, fresh madness this was.
"So you want all of the benefits with none of the commitment." What happened when he eventually found someone else? Because it was bound to happen. And eventuality that was as sure as the sun rising.
"Seokjin -" He was going to have to change his number. Again. At least this time the other didn't know where he lived. Where he worked. He wouldn't have to change everything this time.
"You said we could stop if it was too much." He hated himself so much. Hated the way angry tears had begun to well up behind thick lashes. How they threatened to fall. How they made his voice shake. "It's too much, Jungkook."
"You don't mean that baby." There was something contained within that voice that he didn't understand. Something that made his heart seize up inside of his chest before shattering into a million pieces. "Please say you don't mean that."
"Jungkook -" He meant it. He did. He was strong. And he did not need Jungkook. He was independent. And he did not need Jungkook.
Only he wasn't either of those things. He was weak. He was so incredibly weak. And he could feel it like a scale inside of him, the exact moment where the sides switched their balance. Where it was no longer tipping towards denying what he felt. Where it was no longer giving him the courage and strength to say no.
Suddenly it was swaying, weight shifting towards the other extreme, and he felt it come on like a tidal wave. The end of his resolve. Of his confidence. He had fought it for as long as he possibly could. Had said no as many times as his own heart would allow. Until he had become the source of his own pain. His own suffering. Until he couldn't form the word anymore.
Yes. He did mean it. That's what should have come from his lips. That's what he should have said.
"I need you." Three words. So simple. Yet they destroyed whatever strength he had left. Tore it down until he was laying in tatters on the floor. "Please."
"Do you promise? That there will be no one else. Only me." Why was he asking that? Why was he allowing those words to come out of his mouth?
"Yes. Yes, I promise, Jinnie. It'll only be you." It was a lie. He knew that it was a lie. And it would only be a matter of time before it was exposed for what it was.
But maybe there would be some respite in between. Maybe there would be some relief. Some happiness.
"Okay." It almost hurt to say that word. A deep ache that settled into the center of his chest as the wound tore and grew. "You can have me."
"I'll take such good care of you baby." It sounded like a sigh of relief put into words. And he cringed at every single one. Like the regret was already starting to set in. Like he knew it was coming and had already started to prepare.
Nothing was ever going to prepare him enough.
