Explaining - or attempting, because by all accounts it made no sense - the entire scene that had unfolded to Hoseok was fun. Except fun wasn't exactly the word for it. It was excruciating. Like having every single one of his teeth pulled without the benefit of his jaw being numbed first.
There were so many questions. So many things that he hadn't been prepared for. That he didn't have the answers to.
"Are you okay?" That concern for his well being should be the first thing that came out of Hoseok's mouth did something unspeakable to him. Only served to make the tears that were falling from his eyes worse. Had his hand clamping over his mouth as he attempted to nod, because if he opened his mouth to speak he wasn't sure what sounds would actually come out.
"Come on." Hands had wrapped themselves around his rib cage, lifting with all of their might in an attempt to get him up and off the ground. He went along easily, getting his legs under him and doing most of the work. "Let's get you home."
...
They sat there for what felt like hours in the pitch blackness that seemed to seep into everything in touched. Seokjin curled up in the passenger seat of his own car, with Hoseok twisted towards him, trying to figure out some root cause of this entire ordeal.
That much was simple. Even Seokjin knew the answer to that one.
You accepted the love that you thought you deserved. He remembered reading that somewhere when he had been a teenager. Or maybe he had heard it in a movie once. And it was true. He had accepted what he thought he deserved.
Actually, that was a lie. What he thought he deserved was nothing, so absolutely anything else seemed like a vast improvement.
His self worth had been completely destroyed long ago, but even he didn't know what had caused the first blow. Who had swung the hammer until it finally crumbled. Didn't understand why he couldn't see all of the positives that everyone around him could. Years of therapy had done absolutely nothing to actually solve any of the vast numbers of problems he had. All it had done was give him a series of coping mechanisms. None of which he ever adhered to.
Maybe if he had, he wouldn't be in this situation right now.
"So, ignoring the obvious -" And good lord was there a lot that was so obviously wrong with this picture. "- something isn't adding up here."
"What do you mean?" Honestly he had never been able to take a step back and look at any of this objectively. Actually that was another lie. He had never once tried.
"I mean, dude obviously meant for this to be a one time thing, right? Yet he can't seem to leave your ass alone." Which, alright, that much was entirely true. Jungkook had disappeared before he had even woken up. And if he had ever had any intention of this being anything other than a one night stand, wouldn't he have left his number then?
Wouldn't he have still been there?
"And before you even start -" And he had been about to. Had taken a breath and opened his mouth to speak and everything. "- yes I realize you being his server that night was a complete accident. But he could have just pretended he didn't know you."
"You mean instead of use me to try and make his boyfriend jealous?" Not that it had actually worked. According to Jimin, he wasn't nearly attractive enough to ever be on the same level, let alone be capable of competing with him. And honestly he had been right.
"Okay, let's look at that for a second. Have you ever known anyone in an on-again-off-again relationship? Because I have. And let me tell you, they are always shit shows. Always. It's never going to work out and I guarantee both of them know that. What's the point of it all anyway? Being together for a couple of weeks and then breaking up to go fuck other people? No one is ever actually going to be alright with that, Jinnie. No matter what they say."
A shit show. That seemed like the absolute perfect way to describe what he had seen of Jungkook and Jimin's relationship. Unhealthy. Toxic. He couldn't even begin to understand what kept them coming back to one another when it was so obviously never going to work out. Did they somehow expect that they would suddenly come back as different people? That the time away from change them into someone the other could actually stand? Were they just going to do this endless cycle until they chased away every other option and were left with only each other?
Maybe that was why what Jungkook had done meant so very little to him. 'I just broke up with Jimin for you.' Somewhere within his mind the words 'What don't you break up with Jimin for?' suddenly came to him, and he cursed himself for not thinking of them earlier. It would have been the absolute perfect thing to say in the moment. But his brain never worked like that. Only ever seemed to operate on hindsight.
It didn't mean anything. Because chances were good they'd be right back together by the end of the week.
"It doesn't matter." This wasn't a fairy tale and there was going to be no happy ending. Because he was certain that nothing was ever going to actually come of it.
Because he was weak. He was so weak that all it was ever going to take was Jungkook talking to him in deep voice and looking at him with those big doe eyes and flashing that cute little bunny smile for him to give in. For him to give up whatever was being asked of him. For him to lose all of the minute amounts of self confidence he had gained and go right back to being someone's whore.
That's all it was ever going to take. And he could feel it coming. Sense it on the air, thick and forboding. It was coming, an unstoppable force like a hurricane trying to make landfall.
"It's over with now." Was it though? Was it ever really going to be over?
"Yeah, does he know that? Because that wasn't real 'it's over' behavior, Jinnie." Yes. Yes Jungkook most certainly had to know that it was over.
"He's the one who ended it, Hobi." Just like he was the one who was trying to start it again. The one who was trying to force him to be strong enough to stop it.
"Looks to me like he wants to start it again." Anyone with eyes could have seen that. And he could attempt to deny it all he wanted. Denial had never once changed anything, and it definitely wasn't going to start now.
"Yeah, well that's not going to happen." Maybe if he kept telling himself that, repeated it within his own mind enough times, he would actually start believing it.
"If you say so." He did. He did say so. It was over. It was done. And that was the end of it.
That was the end of it.
