As Promised (Ferrer Series #1)

Kabanata 30

After talking to Fia that morning, I spent the remaining hours before lunch inside my room, crying, and thinking of everything.

I'd be lying if I say that what Fia and I talked about didn't move me. Kasi ang totoo... apektadong-apekto ako. Kaya nga ako ilang oras na nagmukmok sa kwarto. I imagined Miguel... miserable as me. Crying because of me. Struggling the way that I do.

Alex and Miguel hurt the shit out of me. Emotionally. Durog na durog ako sa ginawa nila sa 'kin. But I never wished them the same pain I was experiencing. I don't wish them to be miserable as me. To be burdened, and struggling, like how I am today, even after seven years.

Despite the things that happened between us, because of the love that I have for him, deep within me I know, I already forgave him. Hindi pa man siya humihingi ng kapatawaran sa 'kin, napatawad ko na siya. Sila ni Alex. Because I love him. Love forgives, right?

But giving them my forgiveness does not take away the pain. It does not erase the damage that was made. The scar the wound gave me will remain.

And is it okay to stay hurt? Despite the fact that I forgave them already? Oo, 'di ba? Because I'm still healing. Because I'm still trying to make it. To recover.

Siguro... masyadong mababaw ang lahat para sa iba. Na kinailangan pang abutin ng pitong taon, miserable pa rin ako. Pero... hindi ba talaga maiintindihan hanggat 'di mo nararanasan? Hindi ko alam. Hindi mababaw ang lahat sa 'kin. Dahil unang lalaking minahal ko si Miguel, na hindi kaanak, na hindi kaibigan.

Iba ang lebel ng pagpapahalaga ko sa kanya, iba ang pag-aalaga, pag-aalala. Iba ang pagmamahal na ibinuhos ko... na handa ko pa ring ibuhos para sa kanya.

"Hapon pa lang, umiinom ka na," nakapamulsang kumento ni Kuya Shan.

Narito ako sa balkonahe ng palapag ng kwarto ko, kaharap ang dagat. Bawat palapag ay may mahabang balkonahe, isa sa harap, isa sa likod na tanaw ang bakuran, kung nasaan ang pool, at party area.

"Kuya," ngumiti ako sa kanya, at ipinagpatuloy ang pagtingin sa dagat habang umiinom ng wine.

"Why are you drinking this early?" he asked.

Ngumisi lang ako. "Is there a specific time and schedule to drink?"

"Tss," umiiling na inirapan ako ng kapatid, dahilan ng halakhak ko. "I'm serious, Luna."

"Just calming my nerves," kibit-balikat ko.

"Why? Are you nervous or something?"

"Hmm," I smiled against the glass. "Mag-uusap kami ngayon ni Miguel. Hindi ko alam ang inaasahan ko, Kuya."

"Syempre, malalaman mo lang naman talaga kapag naroon ka na sa sitwasyon," aniya. "Did you ever regret breaking up with him? Did you have second thoughts?"

"Of course, I had second thoughts, Kuya. He's my first ever boyfriend. He's the love of my life. I had my internal battles about letting him go," I sighed.

"Then... why did you still broke up with him?"

"Because... I chose myself? Hindi ko kakayanin, Kuya... hindi ako mapapanatag. I'll never know if he's lying to me. If I am really the only one. I chose my peace of mind."

Tumango-tango siya. "And if you're wrong?"

"What do you mean?" kunot-noo ko siyang nilingon. Nagkibit balikat lang siya.

"Say... he never really cheated on you. He never really had a child with your friend," napanguso siya matapos magsalita.

Natahimik ako.