Holding Onto You

Ch. 21

Maya's pov

I watch a text message appear in my notification center and I use face id to unlock my phone. I tap the message from Ava and quickly read over the text from her telling me she's on her way home. I screenshot it and send it to my mom without telling her anything more. I then go back to my messages with Ava and let her know what everyone's up to so she's not blind sided seeing everyone, minus me, in the living room.

Yeah I'm really not to interested in movie night with my parents after yesterday. In fact I'd be happy to not see them at all today. I've got snacks in my room and I'm hoping to not see them today. We'll see how long that lasts though.

I lock my phone and set it on my nightstand before getting comfortable in my bed once again. However my comfort doesn't last long. I hear my door fly open and I look to see Ava walking in. She locks the door behind me before getting into my bed.

"Hey." I say.

"Hey." She says quietly.

"So what happened last night?" I ask.

"What part?"

"All of it."

I saw nothing but heard it all. I also saw the aftermath and I'm pretty shocked to say the least. Ava's done a lot of questionable things, but nothing as bad as this. It wasn't really like her.

"So I went to Jacobs last night and somehow the conversation went to the future and kids."

I turn my head to see her staring up at my ceiling, "And I felt like shit and knew I couldn't hide it from him so I told him about the possible possibility of me not being able to have any."

I sit up and look at her letting her know silently that she has my full attention, "And he kinda just kept saying it's ok, it's not my fault. That he knows it's not my fault and we'll figure it out when we get to that point. We are thinking to far ahead but this wasn't something he'd leave me over and we'd figure it out together. But I hate myself."

Her tears fall and causing me to frown. Ava doesn't cry often. When she does, she's seriously hurting. So seeing her cry let's me know exactly how much pain she's in.

"Ava don't say that." I sigh.

"I do. I hate myself so fucking much. I didn't even think about this before now. When I was 14 it was just whatever. But like I care now. I know what I want and all because I was a fucking dumbass I might not even be able to have that. I should've just told mom before it got to that point. I shouldn't have caved into the ideas entering my head when we both know how mom turned out. I shouldn't have kept silent. If I'd have never done it I wouldn't be like I am now. Or if I'd at least have just admitted something was wrong I could've gotten help sooner." Her voice cracks.

"You're not a dumbass, you just have a disease and that's not your fault. Some things are genetic and this is one of them. It doesn't make it your fault. Ava you and I both know you don't just talk about that openly. You don't want help, you don't believe anything's wrong. In our heads it was just an extreme diet. It was something we had control of and could stop in our heads. It wasn't, we know that now, but we didn't know that then. A, they said that when you weren't even having a period anymore. You do now, and they are regular. That's a good sign. They themselves couldn't promise you that you couldn't either, they just said it was a possibility. Something that was too soon to tell. Just because your heart was damaged, doesn't necessarily mean that anything down there was. You'll just have to have tests done in the future before you try anything. But don't beat yourself up so hard about it to the point you hate yourself. It's not your fault." I say.

"Yeah, my heart was damaged. I fucked things up so badly that I damaged my heart. The odds are in the favor of not being able to have kids." She says.

I turn to my nightstand and grab a tissue before wiping my sisters tears carefully, "That's not true. Your heart may have just taken one for the team." I say.

Her eyes shift to me, "How mad where they when I left?"

"They weren't. More shocked than anything. I heard them this morning talking about it and just talking about how out of character it was for you. I don't think they are mad, just wanting to know what happened."

"Are you still punished?"

I laugh, "Yeah. Sadly."

"Tragic."

I hear a light knock on my door and I roll my eyes before Ava gets out of my bed. I grab my phone not really wanting to see my parent's as Ava unlocks my door.

"Can we talk?" I hear my mom ask.

"To who? Me or Maya or both?"

"You."

"I guess." I hear Ava mumble.

Well that should keep them off my ass for a bit. I'll have to thank Ava for that later. She really took one for the team here. I know she doesn't want to talk to them anymore than I do. But she's definitely a lot braver to talk to them than I am. I'd probably have not come home for a week if I was in her shoes. Then again, Ava kinda doesn't really care much about consequences or punishment's.

Now, I on the other hand usually do. Once I started following my sisters motto though, it's been pretty freeing to not feel so much pressure to please them. Or to be careful about what I say so I don't upset them. I never understood how Ava could not like pleasing them or doing everything they ask to try and get positive attention. I get it now though. Not caring about them or how they feel, what they think, or say about you is so much easier. It's freeing honestly. It's nice.

I hear my door open and I watch Emilio walk into my bedroom. He eyes my entertainment center and looks at my collection of games.

"Yes?" I ask.

"Can I please borrow one of your Call Of Duty games?" He asks.

"Yeah go for it. It's not like I'll be able to play any of them anytime soon." I say.

"Rest in peace." He says.

"I know." I sigh.

It's been rather boring not being able to play on anything other than my phone. I'm about to go insane. Call Of Duty on mobile is only so much fun for a short period of time. It gets painfully boring after a while.

"I'm sure they'll let it go if you apologize."

I watch as he goes through my stack of games trying to figure out which ones he actually want's to play, "I refuse to give them that victory."

"Don't you loose either way? You're punished now. If you apologize you get unpunished." He says.

"Yes, but I refuse to let them think they we're right. Or mom was at least. She wasn't."

"I'm honestly surprised. Usually you'd be crying and apologizing out of guilt. You seriously are adamant on this aren't you?"

"Indeed I am." I say.

"Suit yourself." He says grabbing the game before leaving my room.

I will. I'm not apologizing. I've done that too many times and I've been forced to apologize so many times that I shouldn't have had to. I'm done with it. It feels a lot better this way. I wish I'd have done it sooner honestly. I feel like I would've had a lot less emotional damage if I had...