Holding Onto You

Ch. 52

Demi's pov

I help Maya walk to the park bench and she sits down and looks at the small pond the ducks are sitting in, "I see we've decided to go back to a place you know makes me feel calm." She says.

"Your physical therapist has been asking me to take you to the back yard to see if you could feel different things. I decided not to and take you here when I thought you were able to actually enjoy it. I've been wanting to spend time with you so I figured I might as well do that today." I say.

I put her hair behind her ear as she looks up towards the sun causing it to shine onto her face, "I feel the heat of the sun." She says.

"You don't have to tell me. I'm not to interested in the physical therapy aspect of things. I know you'd remember everything and be able to tell her everything new you could actually feel. Don't focus to hard on it." I say.

"Thank you for taking me to this park and not the other one. The other ones not a place I want to ever be. It's sort of hard to think about when Ava collapsed that one time playing soccer. Not exactly easy to remember any good memories when all I remember is Ava collapsing and throwing up stomach acid and going in and out of things which was sort of the peak of her own eating disorder." She says quietly.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice your own." I say.

"It's ok. I mean we all we're just so focused on Ava that no one really was thinking straight or paying attention to things as closely as they should've. You and dad we're having a pretty rough point in your marriage because of Ava and blaming one another which lead to bigger problems. Emilio knew and was scared because he thought I'd end up like Ava and never said anything to you two because he didn't want to not have me at home either. My peak was when Ava wasn't home anymore. Once she got home I knew that if she was around me then I needed to get better. I didn't want to be the reason she relapsed or struggled at home and made things harder for her." She says.

"I'm proud of you for pulling yourself out of that and thinking about not only yourself, but Ava too." I say.

"I don't know, I never really got better. I mean I still live with a lot of rules and fears. Ava is actually doing so well you'd never know she had one and I'm happy to see that. I'd rather have the aftermath of it than her. If I fall back into it, it's not going to damage me as much as it would her."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

I don't like to hear rules and fears in the same sentence when we're talking about an eating disorder.

"I still won't eat my fear foods to this day, I can't. I stay away from them and won't do it. I calorie count everything before I eat it and know how much is in everything. When I leave food on my plate it's not exactly because I'm full, but because there's x amount of calories more than I allow myself to have. I restrict my food to a certain number. I have things I have to do when I eat because in my head it makes me think my metabolic rate will be higher. I am a pro at hiding food at the table. You will never know if I've actually eaten food or not. There's things I do that Ava never did. When she got out of the hospital she told me all these tricks other girls were doing and all I was already doing, plus more. Sometimes I question how Ava really ended up worse than I did physically when at one point I stopped eating completely. At my peak, I was not eating a thing for 3 weeks and putting nothing but ice water into my body. I'd eat a very restricted amount of calories for one day then go straight back to eating not a thing for three weeks. And like it hurt. I was always light headed, fainted a lot, had a foggy mind, and my body constantly ached. The hunger pains weren't even the worst part, it was the muscle cramping." She starts.

I see the tears fall down her cheeks and I feel my heart just break, "When you called me out the night I left, you weren't wrong. I knew it. But I also knew who told on me and that hurt the most. I felt betrayed by Ava that night. Ava knew that this was my biggest secret and where my mind would be if she did that. It wasn't a joking 'oh my god i'd so kill myself if you told mom and dad this'. She's seen my notes, she knew I had over 100 ways I'd actually do it and it felt like a stab in the back. Like an 'I don't care if you do it or not' type thing. It felt like a 'I'm going to tell mom and watch you suffer' type thing. I don't trust Ava with anything anymore after that. I don't think I ever will. Anything I have to say or get off my chest, it's told to Bailey. Ava hurt me more than you knowing that secret in itself ever would have. I have a lot of issues, a lot. I don't like to talk about things. I don't like being confronted and put in a corner and forced to talk. If I talk it's because I've actually lost my mind and don't know what I'm saying or doing anymore. I don't like to talk. So when you kinda put me in that corner and just basically said 'oh I know you have an eating disorder' it kinda really hurt. I knew that you didn't, you hadn't known for years. Nothing I was doing was different from what I've done all this time. I knew you talked to Ava and the timing was too coincidental for it not to dawn on me Ava told on me."

"Ava herself had lost her mind that night Maya. She didn't at all mean to say what she had and it slipped out in anger. The second she said it she had a lot of regret and panic and I knew that it wasn't meant to be said." I say.

She wipes her tears, "It doesn't make me feel any better mom. She still said it."

I put a hand on her back and gently rub her back before she hides her face in my shoulder, "I don't think I'm ready to move next year. I need help. I need a lot of help." Her voice cracks.

"Maya, that's ok. You don't have to move the second you graduate hun. You have to be at a college for 2 years to get your degree there. Stay here for two years and you'd still be able to transfer and graduate where ever you want. We'll get you whatever help you need and your dad and I will help you get through it." I say.

"Ava and I were supposed to go to the same college and Bailey too." She sobs.

"Maya, you have to think about yourself and do what's best for you. You're twins, but you're not the same person and your futures aren't going to look the same." I say.

"I promised Bailey."

"You know I talked to Bailey and asked her plans for college and she actually was wanting to stay here for 2 years so she could adjust to college life. She said that she wanted to be where you are though because she feared growing apart from you and was willing to move where you move. I don't think she'll be too hurt to know that she'll get to stay." I say.

"I don't know anymore mom. I had it all figured out and I don't know anymore." She cries.

Knowing Maya, I know she'll figure it all out. She thinks she doesn't now but she's already told me what she needs and wants. I would be more than happy to have her stay 2 more years at home. I am not ready for either of them to move out. I personally am more worried about Maya moving out that I am Ava. I think if I can get her in to see a few doctors than she'll be ok to go to college. Maya, I think Maya needs more time. Which is ok, it's not a bad thing to need time. I just need her to do what's right for her.