Holding Onto You

Ch. 16

Maya's pov

Ava and Bailey walk into my room the second mom leaves and both look at me with uncertainty, "What was that about?" Ava asks.

"She wanted to talk to me because of some stuff I said yesterday and thought that if she talked to me that things would be back to normal I guess. They aren't but it's whatever." I say.

"Ooof." Ava mutters.

Bailey gets in bed as carefully as she can beside me as Ava sit's at the chair at my desk, "So you two really are gonna try and keep it a secret from me aren't you?" She asks.

I look at her confused, "What?"

She crosses her arms, "I know you two are dating, so when are ya gonna tell me?"

"And why do you sound so confident?" Bailey asks.

"My phone charger died so I came in here to hijack one of Maya's and you two were all cuddled together."

Ok, note to self, lock my door at night if I don't want Ava to waltz in. Also lock it in general if Bailey is staying the night because it's likely my parent's just might walk in.

"Ok, yes, but you better not tell them." I say.

She looks me in the eyes, "I'm not, not my place to."

"You are quite observant aren't you?" Bailey asks.

"I like to think so."

Not much really flies past Ava. The amount of things she could blackmail me with, I don't event want to think about it. I'm just thankful we have such a good sibling relationship that I don't even have to worry about it. Emilio on the other hand, I'd be concerned if I were him.

"So what did mom exactly say?" Ava asks.

"That she's sorry that I feel the way I do and she didn't do it intentionally. That was basically it." I say.

"And what did you say?" She questions.

"Basically that I don't see how she didn't do it intentionally when she choose to do the things she did. Also that I don't understand why it always takes somethings serious to happen when it's then she cares and only realizes somethings wrong at that point, after a doctors told her." I say.

"I didn't even think about the second part but you're not wrong. I'd like to think we wouldn't be able to get much past her, but that's not true. We get so much past her and they are both completely oblivious. I'd get if papá missed things because he hasn't been through it, but I'd expect him to look at some of the things we do and realize mom did them too. He never misses the signs with mom, but with us he always does. Meanwhile with mom, she's been through it, I don't get how she misses it all. I really don't. It's crazy how oblivious they can be." Ava says.

"I love your guy's parent's but yeah I've always wondered how they miss so much. Especially with you Ava. I really can't believe a doctor to tell them that you were underweight and near cardiac arrest even after you'd tell them your chest hurts and were so thin. It was scary." Bailey says.

What they still don't know to this day is Ava and I both were in the same boat. I just started later than her so I wasn't as underweight and malnourished as she was. When she was gone for those three months, I only got closer and closer to the point Ava was physically. It wasn't until she got home and I realized if I continued, I'd only cause her to loose all the progress she made in the hospital. I didn't want to be responsible for her relapse because she got triggered seeing me do what she wanted to do. I had to get better entirely on my own with the help of Ava on occasion. I needed the help she had. To this day there's things I haven't really been able to get out of like calorie checking, food restriction, eating the healthier thing I can at each meal, avoiding snacks as much as I can, the guilt, and so much more. But I eat at the end of the day, so that's something.

"Still baffles me that I was in a hospital and Maya was home doing the exact same thing I was in a hospital for and they still managed to miss it." Ava says.

Bailey looks at me, "What?"

I turn my head to her with guilt. I never exactly opened up to her about this.

"Ava and I both were, she just was in worse condition than I was. She did it a few months earlier than I did and we were supposed to do things together but eating disorders are competitive. So she wasn't always honest on how much she ate because it made her feel better about what she ate knowing I ate more. We both lied. Ava got caught, I didn't. Ava didn't rat me out either, but I knew once she got home I couldn't continue. I didn't want to jeopardize her recovery, so I got did my best to get better with her help on occasion. I knew not to rely on her too much as it's triggering to help someone in recovery. I struggle with a lot to this day and my parent's still don't know that I had it too."

"Somehow Emilio has kept his mouth shut about it too. I'd have expected him to tell mom or Papá out of spite if you angered him, but he hasn't." Ava says.'

"I worry about that too, but I think he's just chosen to forget about it and block it from his memory. Believe it or not, he did cry and worry about you. So I think he feared it happening to me and he needed at least one older sibling to lean on and assure him that the other would be fine. But trust me, I worry about him telling mom and dad all the time." I say.

I worry about it more than I ever have truthfully. If my parents find out now, I think college is going to be hard. I'm looking forward to college because I will be in control of my food intake and what I eat versus not. I don't need Emilio to blurt something out and cause them to worry when I'm in college.

"Well that's fucking sad."

"What can I say, our moms passes us some amazing genetics." I say sarcastically.

"Watch her make me bring Max everywhere so I don't join a fraternity and party." Ava says.

"I can't wait to hear our college rules." I say sarcastically.

"I'm scared for you both. It'll probably be life 360, hourly texts, random visits to see what you're both doing, and god knows what else. It's at times like this I'm grateful for my mom not giving a care in the world about me literally." Bailey says.

"Your mom can rot in utter hell." I say.

"Ok, but college is gonna be lit." Ava says.

The freedom will be nice. I know the school aspect will be scary and hard. I know I'll be able to handle it, but there will be a lot of stress. I'm also excited about dorms and independence.

"It'll be a change, that's for sure." Bailey says.

I've seriously got to study harder and prepare for my SAT. I really need to do well if I want to get into my top choice colleges. I've missed a week of school now and I don't even want to imagine the hell of a workload that I have. I know it'll be a lot. I need someone to pick all my work up so I can get started on it. I might as well do something while I'm in bed in pain.

"I'll miss Bella, poor girl." I frown.

I know Ava and I leaving will be hard on her, but I just hope that my parents can keep her from spiraling out of control with the anxiety. This is going to trigger it and it pains me to think about. I love my little sister to death, I'd truly die for her.

"Yeah, I've been thinking about her too." Ava admits.

She's just about the only person I'll miss when I leave. I know I won't be crying about leaving my parents when I go to college. Bella though, I know that'll be a hard goodbye. I'm not looking forward to it either. Not a single bit.