Holding Onto You

Ch. 18

Ava's pov

"You seem a bit upset." Jacob says.

I turn my head to see him looking down at me as I lay beside him, "Just stuff with my mom. She's pmsing again and taking it out on Maya and I." I roll my eyes.

I don't really know if that's true, but with how her moods been this week I wouldn't be surprised if it were true. Honestly if she could get pregnant again, I might just support it. She was weirdly in an amazing mood the second trimester.

"That doesn't sound fun." He says.

"Not even a little."

"So what happened?" He asks.

"My dad wanted me to clean my room before I came over and my room had 3 water bottles on the nightstand and he called that messy. Meanwhile his room has used baby bottles, my little sisters toys, clothes, and a bathroom that needs to be cleaned. However he really came for me about my room. Then my mom said I needed to clean it as well and I called her out on her room and she got upset even though I wasn't even wrong." I say.

"Maybe they are stressed with Maya being hurt and everything?"

"Not to stressed. My dads on set for some movie today and my mom plans to be back in the studio by next week. Plus, I heard my mom punish Maya."

He looks at me flabbergasted, "Maya? Punished? Since when does that happen? Maya never gets in trouble."

"Maya's standing up for herself more and more and I guess my parents don't like it and find it disrespectful. It's not. Maya's just speaking up more and they aren't liking it." I roll my eyes.

"Sounds like your parents need to chill."

"Right?" I ask.

He pecks my lips and I offer him a weak smile, "I love you."

"I love you too Ava Faith."

"Ewww not my middle name." I whine.

"It's cute, stop it." He says.

Maya and I managed to end up with the most basic and cringiest middle names. Our dad picked out our first name and our mom chose our middle names. Maya got luckier with her middle name being rose. Me on the other hand? I got unlucky with Faith. I mean it could be worse, my first name could've been Faith. However it's still bad. Poor Maya ended up with a flower as her middle name and hates flowers.

"It's not cute, it's cringe worthy." I say

He shakes his head, "Its beautiful, like you."

"Thank you." I blush.

I feel his hand hold mine before out fingers interlock causing me to look up at him, "I missed you." He says.

"I missed you too, I'm sorry I haven't been able to hang out lately." I frown.

"Your sister needed you, I understand. Don't feel guilty about it. How's she feeling?" He asks.

"Better, not healed, but better."

I have a feeling it'll be another few weeks before she heals. I don't see her healing next week or even in the next two weeks.

"That's good." He says.

"Mhm."

I rest my head on his chest and with his free hand, he runs this fingers through my hair lightly. Not much is said, we just lay in silence for a bit and enjoy on another's company.

"I really hope our child has your hair."

I lift my head to make eye contact with him again, "No, I like your curls." I say reaching for his hair.

I comb my fingers through his hair a few times before staring at him, "They'd look so adorable with your curls."

"Well, if they get my hair then they better get your beautiful eyes and smile."

"How many kids do you want?" I ask.

"That's up to you. You'll have to go through it all, I don't want you to have to go through that much pain if it's too hard. I want that to be your decision. I know it won't be easy and I don't want you to do anything until you're ready. If you decide you want to only do it once, I'd be happy with our one child. If you decide that you don't want to have kids at all, I'd respect that."

Yeah, I got lucky with him didn't I?

"I've always wanted two. Who knows, my moms had twins twice. We might end up with three." I say.

"I'd be totally ok with that and be there every step of the way." He says.

"Would you really stay if I couldn't though?" I ask.

"Couldn't what?" He asks.

"Have kids."

"Of course I would. Ava I love you and I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else. If you can't then that's ok. We'll figure out what to do if we cross that bridge. But I wouldn't ever leave you over that babe. I couldn't." He says.

I give a small nod as he gives my hand a gently squeeze, "Why are you worried you won't be able to?"

"Remember when I was in the hospital for anorexia?" I ask.

His face drops, "Yeah."

"The doctors told me that I might have caused infertility. It was far too soon to tell at the time and at the time it didn't really bother me. But obviously now it does. They didn't say for sure I did, but they hinted it was possible I did. I'd have to get tests done before we tried. I don't know what damage I actually did. I know I did enough damage to my heart, you know that. So I can't imagine that if I caused irreversible damage, that my chances of getting pregnant are actually high. I know we're thinking so far ahead right now, but I don't want you to believe that I'm capable of doing something when I might not be. I know you want kids so I feel like I should tell you now that I might not actually be able to have them."

"Ava, I'm not going to leave you over that. We'll figure it out when the time comes. I'm not going to love you any less or just break up with you over that. I love you more than life and you mean everything to me. I really can't imagine life without you and I don't want to. We've been through a lot in 2 years and we've figured our way through everything. That will just be something else we figure our way through. It'll be ok." He says.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"Ava no, stop. It's not your fault, I know it's not your fault. You didn't do this intentionally. Anorexia is a disease, it's not something you do by choice. You didn't ask for it to happen, you didn't want or mean for the consequences of it to happen. Please don't do this. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault." He says.

"It is, even if I didn't mean for it to happen it did. I did what I did and caused it to happen. I can't blame anyone but myself. I skipped the meals. I restricted. I purged. I exercised too much. I-"

"You did it because of what? Your brain. You aren't in control of the thoughts or urges. No one is in control of how they feel or what they feel. A person with depression didn't ask for their brain to give it to them. They can't force their self to be happy or stop being sad. Just like you can't force your brain to stop. It's not your fault Ava. There's a reason they remind you that you don't have control over things, because you don't. It's not a choice. How can you have control over something that isn't something you want to do or choose to do?" He asks.

"I don't know." My voice cracks.

"You don't." He says wiping tears from my face.

I feel him kiss the top of my head as I just begin to cry overwhelmed. I never thought about and worried about what doctor's told me 2 years ago. But knowing that there's a chance I'll spend my life with Jacob, it's hard to think about the fact that I will be to blame for if we can't have kids. It's hard to swallow that had I just confessed things to my mom, maybe things wouldn't have been as bad as they were. I regret it. I regret not coming to her sooner and putting myself in the position I was in. I regret so much. Now more than ever. Because it's now when I'm really realizing how a decision I made a few years ago will affect my future.