Holding Onto You

Ch. 26

Demi's pov

"You weren't supposed to say that."

"I know I wasn't, it slipped." He says running his fingers through his hair.

"Wasn't supposed to say what?" I hear.

I turn around to see Emilio walking out of the kitchen pantry with a granola bar in hand, "That is not your business." I warn.

"Considering it wasn't supposed to be said and I heard Ava throw Maya under the bus in anger last night. Then I heard you guys talking about who you were planning to talk to Maya about eating, which is what Ava threw her under the bus for last night. Then you just said dad wasn't supposed to say something, I'm going to assume you accidentally told Maya it was Ava who told you that she has an eating disorder." He says before biting into the granola bar.

He laughs, "Man and I thought I'd tell you out of anger. Wow, Ava is going to have her head cut off by Maya. I need to watch that. I need popcorn."

"Emilio this is really not the time to laugh about something serious." Wilmer says.

He walks into the pantry and walks out with popcorn, "Oh this has been a secret I have been blackmailing Maya with for years. Yet not even I, me, Emilio, would actually tell you. It's been a scare tactic only. I can't believe Ava actually did. This is going to be funny for me to watch. Oh my god they are going to HATE one another." He laughs.

I watch him put a bag of popcorn in the microwave, "Oh so you knew about this too?" I ask.

"Oh, please, even Bella knew."

I watch Wilmer walk to our bedroom and I follow behind him and see Bella in our bed playing on my phone still, "Bella, can we ask you some things about Maya?"

"Mhm."

I get in bed beside her and watch her play candy crush, "How long has Maya not been eating?"

Bellas eyes widen and her face goes pale and she looks at me with panic, "You won't get in trouble if you tell us Bella." I say.

"MayMay said I can't say."

"We want to help your sister Isabella. We can't help her unless we know." I say.

"She doesn't need help. She said she's ok."

"Bella it's not ok to not eat. It does a lot of harm to your body. That's why Ava got super sick." I say.

"MayMay is going to get really sick like Avie?" Her eyes water.

"We don't want to see her get sick like Avie. That's why we want to get her help, but we need to know as much as we can so we can get her help." I say.

"I don't know a lot mommy. I only saw her throw up a lot when Avie was gone and she said it was ok. Sometimes when she took me to the park we didn't go to the park, we went to the running place and she ran a lot and I played in the sand pit. She said that she doesn't eat because she's not hungry, but she's ok. Then one time Avie said that MayMay was prettier and MayMay got really mad and Avie said it was because MayMay doesn't like herself and doesn't like when people call her pretty or beautiful. Avie said that MayMay thinks it's a lie and you're lying to her when you tell her that. Milo said that if you want to be nice you have to tell her outfit is pretty or her make up looks pretty. He said never tell MayMay she looks pretty or she gets mad. She takes a lot of medicine too when she eats and she said that it's to make her feel better. That's all I know mommy." Her lip quivers.

I pull her into my lap and kiss her cheek, "You did good Bella, thank you. That helps us a lot and a lot of what we needed to know."

So she does purge, she does exercise a lot, she may not only have an eating disorder but body dysmorphia as well, and it sounds like she's using laxatives as well.

"I don't want MayMay to get sick like Avie." She cries.

"We don't either babygirl, we are going to do everything we can to help her and make sure she doesn't get sick like Ava was. We don't want to see her have to go through what Ava did." I say.

"And Bella you know it's not ok to skip meals don't you?" Wilmer asks.

"Yes, because you get sick like Avie." She sobs.

I really hope that seeing Ava and Maya like this doesn't lead to Bella doing the same thing when she's their age. I hope this scares her enough to not do it as awful as that sounds. I don't want to see all three of my girls go through this. It breaks me to see Ava and Maya follow what I did.

I hear Max cry and I look at Wilmer who walks out of our room and to the nursery to take care of the diaper change, "MayMay cries a lot." Bella says.

I look down at her and wipe her tears gently, "I know, Papa and I upset her sometimes which isn't right." I say.

"She tells Avie she doesn't want to be here anymore." Her lip quivers.

"She wants to move out and go to college Bella." I say.

She shakes her head, "No mommy."

Is this what Ava meant by Maya having personal problems? Just more mental heath problems? I don't understand. Why wouldn't Ava tell me something if her sisters hurting?

"We'll get her help Bella, she'll be ok." I say.

Hopefully when I get her to a doctor a doctor will be able to coax her to talk. I know Maya may not want to talk to her father and I, but maybe with a doctor she'll accept the help they offer her. A doctor will already know about the eating disorder topic because I'll tell them about that. But maybe in there she'll accept defeat and just talk and admit everything going on. I hope to see that. I hope to see Maya be honest with the doctor.

However she can't even be honest with us. I know there's a chance she'll just deny what we say and will lie in hopes of getting out of it all. I did and so did Ava. But I hope that Maya won't do the same. She's a smart girl and I hope that she will want to get better once it's offered to her. I can't imagine the pain she's in right now. I know she's in an immense amount of it. I know she's felt that pain for a while. Hopefully she'll just want it to end and just let us help her and agree to help herself. I just don't know thought.

I don't know if she's denial and truly doesn't think she has a problem, or if she's continuing to put up a fight because she still has fight left. I wish I knew. I wish I knew what was going on inside her head. I wish I knew how she was feeling. I wish that I could take all her pain away. I can't and that hurts me as her mom. I want to make her feel better, I don't want to see her in pain. I just was to see her happy, healthy, and smiling. She hasn't been any of the above in so long and I don't know how I missed it.

I don't know how I missed it. I don't know how I didn't notice my own daughters pain. I don't know how I believed I was being the best mother I could for them. I don't know how I thought that I believed that they were fine and didn't need me. Of course they need me. They'll always need me. My job isn't over when they turn 16 and I can't believe I thought that it was. I really believed that once they turned 16 that they didn't need me anymore. I began to fail them for sure when they turned 16, but I know I failed them earlier than that.

Sorry won't ever fix the hurt I caused them, I know that. I know that they won't ever forget this and it's going to be something they move past from easily. I hurt them, Wilmer and I both did. I just hope that we can mend things with time. I can't expect them to heal from this with just a year. With them possibly moving out next year, I pray that it doesn't result in them deciding to cut me out. But if they do, I know I can't blame them. I hurt them at the end of the day. I've been hurting them.