Holding Onto You

Ch. 22

Demi's pov

I follow behind my daughter to her room and do my best to ignore the hole in the wall and shattered tv. She sit's on her bed and I stand in the middle of her room wanting to give her space. I'm sure she has boundaries after last night and I want to respect them.

"Can you talk to me about what happened last night? None of it seems very you." I say.

Her head hangs low and she messes with the hem of her bedsheets to avoid eye contact with me, "I don't know."

"Did your father make you upset? We're you already upset? Something happened." I push.

"I mean I wasn't angry before I got home, I was worked up about something. I wasn't angry though. When he started following me after I knew he was going to talk to me about my already clean room, then I got a bit angry and asked him to leave me alone. Or fuck off. I don't really remember."

"So when he didn't leave you alone it upset you?" I ask.

"I guess."

"You spiraled pretty quickly, so was there anything he did that resulted in that?" I ask.

"I guess harassing me about the stupid room when I was already worked up about something else" She shrugs, "I don't see why he couldn't have had that conversation with me at another time when he saw me upset when I walked though the front door. I mean it's never a good idea to make someone feel like crap when they are already upset. I know that wasn't a reason for me to do what I did, but yeah."

"Did he say anything that upset you further?"

"Nothing that should've. I'm kinda immune to his punishment style. I don't care and he doesn't scare me. I don't know. I just got really angry and can't put how I felt into words. I don't know what happened and I don't know why it happened. I guess control, we both wanted it and were fighting and it seems like the more I lost the angrier I got. Usually I don't care, but after stuff that happened last night I really needed it and I didn't have it."

"Do you want to talk about that?" I ask.

She looks up at me for a split second before looking down at her palms. The awkwardness between us could be felt by anyone who walked into the room.

"I would but I know you're just going to tell him everything I say so what's even the point?"

"What if I give you my word that I wont?"

I hate keeping secrets from their father, but I can tell that this is something that's really effecting her and something she needs to talk about. So as much as I hate to do this, I know I have to compromise with Ava.

"I guess." She says.

"May I sit?" I ask.

She gives a small nod before scooting over in her bed and allowing me to sit right beside her. I sit beside her and turn to my head to her as she keeps her head low. Her eyes stay on her bed comforter in an attempt to keep from looking at me.

"I feel like even now 3 years later, I still don't have control and like it's continuing to tell me how things are going to be."

"Can you help me understand what 'it' is?" I ask.

"I don't like saying the word. Or diagnosis, or disorder, or whatever else it can translate to."

That's all I need to hear to know exactly what she's talking about and get why the whole control thing was important. She had none with her eating disorder and if it's somehow effecting her now than not having any form of control would potentially be enough to result in the explosive behavior she had last night.