Holding Onto You

Ch. 23

Demi's pov

"When did she develop one Ava?"

She pulls away from me and her face goes pale. I look into her eyes that show absolute horror.

"Nonono, I didn't mean that." She panics.

With where she is right now mentally, I know she's blurting out things on accident. This wasn't something I was supposed to know by the look of regret on her face. She's unable to think and process before she's speaking right now, she just speaks every thought that enters her head out loud.

"Ava-"

"She used to, she's better. I swear, she's fine. You'd never know she had one, she's doing so good. She got scared when she saw me and she wasn't far too deep and so she pulled herself out. She's not effected by it anymore." She blurts out.

I know eating disorders are competitive and not for a second do I believe what she's saying. If she's this upset and wishing Maya was in her position too, Maya had to have been bad at one point. With how little Maya can eat, I don't think she's any better than Ava. I just never thought of it as restriction, just Maya not having much of an appetitive. Which is insane. The red flag has been there for so long.

As I watch Ava panic further I focus on her knowing that I can talk to Maya and get answers from her at another time. I pull Ava back into a hug and she just sobs, "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry Ava?" I ask.

"I'm a disappointment."

My heart bleeds hearing it leave her mouth.

"That isn't the slightest bit true Ava, you aren't a disappointment. You've made your father and I so proud and it's our fault for not letting you know that as often as we should. You're my baby, you always will be. We've never once thought that when we look at you. Not once. We love you so much. You're part of out world Ava. My gosh you've done so much to make us proud. I'd be here forever trying to tell you each time and remind you of each time you have." I say.

"No I haven't. Maya has." She cries.

"You both have. She is not better than you Ava. You both are two totally different people baby girl. You both are absolutely remarkable young girls. I wish you could see that. I'm sorry I haven't reminded you of that." I say.

"I'm not ok anymore." She cries.

"And you know what? That's alright. It's ok, to not be ok. It's ok to cry. It's ok to let people in and accept help. It doesn't make you weak or any less independent."

"I'm sorry for everything, I know I'm a bitch."

I shake my head, "No Ava, You aren't."

I went wrong not praising them enough or supporting them enough. It's my fault they both feel this way about their self. I know that. I regret it. I didn't realize how much silent damage that was causing them. It's my fault.

"Mom, please don't leave, I'm not ok." She cries.

"I'll stay right here Ava. I won't leave you, I promise. I'm right here baby girl."

It has been so long since I've seen Ava like this. She rarely gets to this point and It never gets easier to see her at this point. I can only imagine the amount of pain she's in but I know that's not even enough. Seeing her like this kills me inside. I wish more than anything that I could take her pain away.

She pushes me away to lay down and I watch her right hand hit her hip a few times. Truthfully, I've never seen her do this. I don't know why she's doing it. But I imagine it's some type of self injury she's trying to cause to relieve some of the emotional pain.