Playdate

48

"I'm not doing this because I'm guilty! I love you so much it hurts, damn it!"

Pakiramdam ko ay natuyo ang lalamunan ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

"I get it, Kia. You don't want to talk because no one listened to you before. But this time is different," sabi niya na parang pinakakalma rin ang sarili. "Please listen to me, just this once. Please calm down and hear me out."

"How can I calm down?" tanong ko. "These past few days, you were sending me mixed signals kagaya ng ginawa mo sa akin noon. Ano'ng mangyayari sa akin ngayon? Babawiin mo ang mga sinabi mo? Are you really trying to make me your mistress? You're really shitty! I hate you so much!"

I don't know, pero nainis ako bigla. My father got Ate Yona's mother pregnant at a very young age, pero kay Mama siya ikinasal. Am I going to end up like that too?

"Mistress?" nagtatakang tanong niya. "What are you talking about?"

"So you're not planning to throw me away? Do you intend to keep me here para makigulo sa inyo?" I asked again, completely ignoring his question. "Do you really think I'll stoop that low?"

"I think you are misunderstanding something," I can almost feel the tightness in his voice. "Just what the hell are you saying? Iniisip mo na sa akin 'yung bata?"

"Are you going to deny it?"

"Yes, because you're wrong," he told me straight to the point. "Is this why you hate me so much? Iniisip mo na may anak kami ng Ate mo?"

Hindi ulit ako nakapagsalita. Is he really going to deny it... o totoo ang sinasabi niya?

"Then whose... child is that?"

Naupo siya sa kama habang naiwan naman akong nakatayo sa harapan niya.

"Remember that night when you asked to meet me?" sabi niya. "Your sister came to meet me the next day at dawn. She told me that she's going to quit working at the mansion because she's... pregnant. But we never did it. Not even once..."

"Rather than getting mad at her for meeting someone else at my back, I was wondering why I didn't get hurt after knowing all that," he said. "In fact, I was... happy for her. But I don't know that she left the island the same day. Aegis told me about it and about your father just recently."

"I know you hate me for playing with your feelings, but I hate myself more for doubting you, for saying those things to you, for not listening to what you were saying, when all you ever wanted was the best for me. I hate myself for making you think that it's your fault that you liked me. But most of all, I hate myself for realizing my feelings too late."

My eyes darted contact from his. Kaagad akong napalingon sa kamay ko nang hawakan niya ito. "Five years ago, I failed to attend the graduation ceremony because I was busy about things concerning the island," he said. "My relatives agreed to not sell the island, but in exchange, I have to study outside and learn more about running the whole place."

So... he's the reason why we are free now?

He's the reason why everyone is doing great now?

"I didn't know it was love."

Kaagad akong napalingon sa kanya nang marinig ang sinabi niyang iyon. "I didn't know na papayag akong mag-aral sa ibang lugar but all I think about is coming back home to get to you."

"I didn't know..." he said as he stared at my hands. "...that I have the tendency to do something like this just because I want to help you reach your dreams. I didn't know I worked so hard to free the island so you can go and come back here whenever you want to, because I know it was your dream to leave the island and go to different places."

"I didn't know... that I was doing all of this with you in my mind, Kia," sabi niya at tiningala ako, at nakita ko sa mga mata niya kung gaano siya kaseryoso sa mga sinasabi niya. "I didn't know that my dream is to see you reach your dreams. I didn't know that your dream... became my dream, too."

Pakiramdam ko ay magbubuhol lang ang dila ko kung magsasalita ako ngayon. So... he was suffering too... but he still thinks of me?

And he just realized that he loves me noong nalaman niyang ginagawa niya ang lahat ng ito para sa akin?

"Just awhile ago, your sister told me that she ran away and left the island with that guy we saw with her before, but he's not the father of the child," sabi niya, na ikinagulat ko. "Your sister was too ashamed to face your father because she got pregnant accidentally and the father of her son is an old man who has a family. I don't know the details yet, so you can ask her. And I'm sorry if it seems to you that I'm forcing things on you... I didn't mean to be selfish."

So all this time, I believed that Haki and Ate Yona ran away?

Napalunok ako ng laway dahil sa hiya. Tapos kanina, kung ano-ano pa'ng sinasabi ko tungkol sa kabit. "But that does not change the fact that my father died because of her selfishness!"

"Kia, I know it's hard, but try putting yourself on your sister's shoes," he sighed, at mahigpit na kumapit sa kamay ko. "This is the exact reason why I told her to meet you. She told me that she's been around the island for months now but she still can't figure out how to talk to you. Hindi ko ipinagtatanggol ang Ate mo. Believe it or not, Kia, I'm doing this for you."

I don't know, but his words suddenly hit me hard. Am I too childish? I mean, I kept on blaming my sister pero noong nakita ko siya kanina, ni wala akong lakas ng loob na sumbatan siya.

"And I'm sorry for taking you for granted before. I know that the damage has been done and I cannot change anything now," sabi niya at nagulat ako dahil bigla niya akong hinila kaya naman napaupo ako sa kandungan niya, pero hindi ako umangal. "Your feelings are valid, okay? But you have to let go of everything that holds you back. You can't move forward if you won't let go of the hatred that's in your heart. You can never start again."

Hindi ko alam, pero napakapit na lang ako nang mahigpit sa damit niya at isinubsob ang ulo ko sa katawan niya. Naramdaman kong ipinulupot niya sa akin ang isa niyang braso habang patuloy niyang hinahaplos ang buhok ko. Pakiramdam ko, doon na nagsimulang sumabog ang mga emosyon ko. Doon na ako nawala sa sarili at hinayaan na pumatak ang maiinit na butil ng luha na matagal na sigurong naipon sa puso ko.

Kahit ngayon lang.

Kahit ngayon lang sana, gusto kong sabihin kung ano ang gusto ko.

"Please listen to me..."

All this time, I just wanted someone to listen to me. To lend me their ears. To hear my heart's cry.

Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya sa akin at parang dinuduyan ako sa init ng katawan niya.

How I've always longed for this warmth.

"It's okay, you've been strong for too long," sabi ni Haki at hinalikan ang noo ko. "It's okay to run out of energy to hide that you're sad. It's okay, I'm here now. You're not alone anymore."

Malalakas na hagulgol ang kumawala sa labi ko at kasunod noon ay ang pagbuhos ng mga luha na sa tingin ko ay hindi basta-bastang mauubos ngayon.

"It's okay to cry..." he said while caressing my back. "I know you're strong and I like you as you are, but it's fine to lose control sometimes and depend on people, and rely on me."

Marahan niyang iniangat ang mukha ko at kitang-kita ko rin ang lungkot sa mga mata niya habang nakatitig sa akin.

He cupped my face, and when I closed my eyes, I was expecting that he's going to kiss me on the lips but instead, I felt his warm lips press on my eyelids. "So don't take everything on yourself. I'm here."