Playdate

19

The next days were very dull.

Sancho's been giving me signs for a couple of days now, pero wala pa rin talaga siyang sinasabi sa akin. I mean, I appreciate his every small and kind gestures, pero kagaya ng iniisip ko sa tuwing may gustong manligaw sa akin, naghahanap na agad ako ng palusot para i-turn down siya. Not because I don't like him, but because...

"Do you want me to... uh... drop you off to your house?"

Umiling kaagad ako. He lives in a totally opposite direction! Sobrang nakakahiya naman kung ihahatid niya pa ako! "HIndi na! At saka, kasabay ko naman si Haki na maglakad."

"Oh, okay," sabi niya. "I'm sorry, am I annoying?"

I shook my head at nagpaalam na sa kanya. When he waved goodbye, saka lang ako nakahinga nang malalim. Never have I ever thought na magiging ganito si San sa akin. I don't hate it, pero hindi talaga ako sigurado kung kaya ko nang magcommit. And we're still too young for this! Kaya rin palagi kong nirereject ang mga gustong magtry, that's because I love freedom so much! I'm still too young for love!

Lol, says who? I literally lost my virginity days ago... who am I to judge.

"Nokia!"

Napapikit ako nang mariin. Nagmamadali na nga akong nagpaalam kay San kanina para hindi ako maabutan ni Haki, pero heto, naabutan niya pa rin ako. Naramdaman ko ang paghila ni Haki sa bag ko at pagkatapos noon ay inakbayan niya ako, "Bakit 'di mo sinabing aalis na tayo!"

"Get off me," sabi ko at akmang inalis ang braso niya sa balikat ko. "Ang bigat mo!"

Tumawa lang siya at ibinalik ulit ang braso niya sa balikat ko.

What do I expect? Hindi naman alam ni Haki kung ano'ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya. When he told me to just 'stop all this', ang ibig niya sigurong sabihin ay itigil ang mga ginagawa namin noon. Kissing... like that. Pero other than that, ganoon pa rin siya, gaya ng dati. He does not even feel awkward around me. Umaakbay pa rin siya, niyayakap ako bigla-bigla, he'll even ask me to stroke his hair while sleeping during lunchtime... his vague attitude is really making things hard for me. But... I don't want him to stop. I'm such a fool.

Kahit na madalas, ramdam ko ang mabigat na pagtingin sa amin ni Sancho. Am I really too much? Am I a bad person? But Haki knows about what Sancho feels, maybe our physical interaction is really just normal for him. I don't... hate it one bit.

"Are things going well with you and San?" tanong niya sa akinkaya naman napalingon ako sa kanya. "Seems like it. Kapag kasama ka ni San, he looks like a different person! He acts coldly to everyone and he's like a scared puppy when he's with you! That's so unfair!"

That's what he's worried about? About how San treats me differently?

"You know, I hate it when people are like that..." sabi ni Haki at tumingin sa malayo. "My parents taught me to be nice to everyone. Not with girls only. Hindi lang sa mga taong gusto ko. I hate it when people only act nice to those they like!"

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. And somehow... it made me think, 'Thanks to Haki's parents for making him!' because he has such a beautiful soul and he has a heart as fat as his ass. How can I not like Haki? How can anyone not like Haki? He looked dumb to me noong una kaming nagkita at may hasty generalization ako na siguro ay spoiled brat din siya dahil anak-mayaman siya, but I was completely wrong! Sure, he's an asshole for being so clueless about how I feel for him all the time, but he's really a good person who never treats people unfairly. Siguro, iyon ang pinaka-nagustuhan ko sa kanya, bukod sa magaling siyang humalik, mabango siya, mahaba ang mga daliri niya, at malaki... ang hotdog... what?

Bakit napasali na naman sa usapan ang hotdog niya! Grabeng hirap ang dinaranas ko kada iihi ako dahil sa sobrang sakit ng ginawa ng hotdog niya sa akin!

"When you're nice to everyone, don't you think people will take you for granted?" tanong ko sa kanya. "You need not be nice to everyone naman ah? Especially when they give you a hard time."

Napahawak siya sa baba niya habang nag-iisip, "Hmm, you're right. But everyone's really nice to me. I don't really have a problem with people."

Of course, hun. You own the whole damn island! Everyone must treat you nicely!

"Oh, right," sabi ni Haki. "Your sister. Did she keep the flowers I gave her yesterday? Hmm?"

Naglaho ang ngiti sa labi ko dahil sa sinabi niya. That's right. Ate Yona came home yesterday na may dalang pulang-pulang mga rosas. I saw her putting it on the table pero pagkatapos noon ay hindi niya na ulit ginalaw. Maybe I guessed right yesterday na kay Haki galing ang mga iyon.

"Uh... yes, she kept it," pagsisinungaling ko.

"Alright," sabi niya sa akin. "This is the sixth time na binigyan ko siya ng flowers. I'm happy that she keeps it all the time."

Huh?

That was the first time na nakita kong may dalang bulaklak si Ate...

Maybe she does not really like flowers? Should I tell him that?

"Does... does Ate Yona know about how you feel for her?"

Tumango lang siya.

"Kelan pa?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"Noon pa," he said. "Nung una tayong nagkita."

I just nodded, at pagkatapos noon ay hindi na kami pareho nagsalita. Sobrang kahihiyan ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Ate Yona... knows about how Haki feels... at nag-open ako sa kanya noon tungkol sa nararamdaman ko.

Sobra akong nanlulumo. She knows how I feel for him pero hindi niya sinabi sa akin na siya ang nagugustuhan ni Haki. I wonder what I look like in Ate Yona's eyes? Does she pity me? Siguro ay naaawa siya sa akin ngayon dahil ako ang palaging kasama ni Haki pero siya pa rin ang gusto niya.

And most of all... Haki... used me to get closer to her. That's... what I can't accept kahit ano'ng gawin ko. I tried hard to hide Haki's feelings from Ate Yona pero it's no use naman pala, because she knows it already.

"Tutulungan mo pa rin ba ako?" tanong niya sa akin. And so I guessed right. He really just wanted to stop playing with me, pero gusto niya pa ring tulungan ko siya. "I promise, ibibili kita ng kahit ano'ng gusto mo kapag sinagot niya na ako!"

Tumawa lang ako ng peke. "Sabi mo 'yan, ha!"

Pakiramdam ko, nakabaon ang isang paa ko sa hukay.

But what can I do about it? Even if it hurts... I want to be with him... so he must not know about how I feel.

If he wants to use me, then be it.

I don't even have to choose between 'falling' and 'falling apart'. I know...

...my heart is going to hit rock bottom anytime soon.