Love Will Keep Us - Book 5

Beneath the Surface

LENA POV

Amidst everything that was going on with our kids along with the recent heartache between Stef and Callie, I have been unable to get the letter we received from Cinnamon out of my mind. It had been a few weeks since we had gotten it and if I stop and really think about it, I become more and more confused as to how this even happened between Will and this woman. And to top it off, why try to find me?

Apparently this woman knows that Will is dead, but trying to find me, his ex wife and for what? I owe her nothing as far as I'm concerned as the child she is claiming to be Will's has nothing to do with me, Stef or our children. Truth is she won't get a dime out of me if it's money she is looking for because this was not my problem, my issue or my responsibility.

Stef of course thinks this is scam  but if so how in the hell did she even find me? And is this child even Wills?  For starters why would Will even be interested in someone like that? And to have their child?  None of this made any sense to me and it had been hard to deal with any of this. I really could not wrap my mind around this and because of that I rarely spoke about it with my wife.  But I'd lie if I said it didn't bother me. Because honestly, it did and there are just so many thoughts going on in my head about it all that I don't even know what to really think.

My stomach turns if I think about it for too long, but the last thing I ever expected in life was for Will to have found someone else. If he left me and the kids, why find another person? Was he that lonely? Or was I that awful? Did he know he had a son before he died?

Stef said that he never even mentioned it to her in all the times they spoke, and that he had carried Frankie and Corey's picture with him wherever he went, including mine.  He spoke about them every time she saw him and always told her how much he loved them.

Will expressed that he carried so much guilt for having abandoned them, and that Stef had finally been able to convince him that I would most likely allow him in their lives if he just cleaned himself up and decided to join the living, working man. If that was the case, then why in the world would he have not mentioned this so-called child?

The more I think about it, the angrier I get at times, and other times, I just break down and cry...the crying I do when I'm alone, but the anger comes out in how I snap at the kids or even my students at school. I know that this is unfair of me to do, and so today, I took half a day and came home to change before walking over to Tess'.

"Hi honey!! Come in, come in! I got the patio all set up for us with drinks!" She says opening the door for me as I smile widely at her.

God, it had been so nice to have Tess back in my life like this and even I forgot how much I used to confide in her on base. She had been my sister, my saving grace and to be back at this place again was just what I needed. "I even ordered us some food."

"You didn't have to, silly!"

"Nonsense. It gives me an excuse to!" Taking my hand we head to the back where I see everything set up. A cheese platter, little sandwiches, and some much needed drinks. It really was nice and I knew Tess loved to entertain when she got the chance. "Sit have a seat honey! And tell me what is going on I can see it all over your face."

"Ahh I'm ok." I say taking a smoke out and lighting it as she stares at me.

"MM you sure? You rarely if ever smoke. But let me have one." Nodding my head I hand her the pack as she lights her own and I begin to relax as we sit and stare at the blue sky. "So spill little sister. Let it all out."

"Tess...I don't know."

"What don't you know honey? MM? I know the kids have been really stressing you lately and now this thing with Stef and Callie. I know that's been hard on you. On all of you. But what else is going on?"

"Tess, I keep...I keep thinking about Will and this so called child that might be his. Like I just can't get it out of my head. And I know we have so much on our plate. Me and Stef. Well lately it always seems like we do. Which is she's so, I don't know so....

"Stressed?"

"Angry is the wrong word but..."I sigh as she scoots closer to me.

"Lets return to Stef but first what about the letter. Tell me how you feel. I mean it's understandable what you just admitted but what exactly can't you stop thinking?" Putting her own smoke down she pours us some drinks as she slides one to me and I take a sip. "I mean do we know if it's really his? Has Stef found anything more out?"

"No. We don't really know if it is or not. But Tess if so, why leave me and the kids and go find another woman? Much less have  child with her when he left his own two behind? Was  I THAT HORRIBLE? I mean I know I was dramatic and kind of mixed up with my confused feelings but I never thought I was such a bad wife to him. I tried so what the hell gives? I don't know I just find myself getting more and more angry."

"Ok first off, you were not a bad wife. Not at all Lena." She says looking at me as I flash her a look wondering if she lost her mind.

"Tess, I was. I messed around on him when he was at war, and that makes me a horrible wife."

"Lena, I know we don't talk about this often, but you, two were so damn young. You were. I remember seeing you for the first time, and I felt it in my bones. You were so in love with that man, but war changed everyone, even the wives." Tess sips her drink as I sigh and grab a carrot to munch on.

"It wasn't an excuse. I was so damn lonely, and everyone treated me poorly. Well not everyone, but that still doesn't justify what I did to him." I whisper as she takes another sip of her drink. "I'm sure he never forgave me for it because he knew. He knew I loved Stef and we fought a lot, Tess. A LOT. It wore on the both of us, and he was so damn depressed. He'd sit in his recliner and drink the day away."

"I remember Jerry drinking, only he'd go into these fits of rage...scary rage." Tess shudders as this grabs my attention, for she NEVER spoke of this time in her life.

"I couldn't face you, Lena. I was so embarrassed because you looked up to me big time, and I just couldn't be seen as weak in your eyes...or anyone's for that matter." Tess continues as I listen intently.

" Tess, I would never think you were weak ever. I mean I was in my own little world at that time, I was immature and didn't think much of anyone but myself. Unfortunately. But I wondered where you were, Tess. I really did and I should have pushed more to see if you were okay. That wasn't right of me to do that to you."

Tess shakes her head as she reaches across the table to place her hand on top of mine. "Lena it's ok honey. This isn't about me. I just wanted you to know that you weren't alone in feeling like a shitty wife. And I'm here to tell you that Will still thought the world of you."

"How do you even know?" I sit forward as my heart pounds.

"Because Jerry still thought the world of me. He and Will were close, and I just found out not too long ago that they kept in touch."

"Really? Through...letters? Calls? What?"

"Letters, mostly, and Will would often call Jerry up, drunker than a skunk and cry that he missed you and the kids and that he really messed up."

Tears form in my eyes now as I shake my head and try to stop them from falling down my face. How do I get over this guilt that has been haunting me for years? And why do I still miss him when I'm in love with Stef?

"But I think the universe knew, Lena." Tess breaks through my thoughts as I quickly blink back the hot tears.

"Knew what exactly?"

"Knew that everything would come full circle, and that you and Stef would end up together in the end."

I shake my head as I try so hard not to cry, but I can't keep it in as I begin to cry softly. Tess walks around the table and kneels in front of me, taking my hands in her own. "Lena, you have to forgive yourself. You have to, and you need to talk to Stef even more about how you're feeling. It's okay. She won't break. Trust me, I know. Confide in her these feelings you're having, and try to get some help in healing once and for all. This is a huge load you're carrying around, baby, and I hate to see this sadness in you. Go talk to the woman that thinks the world of you. Go ahead."

Nodding my head my best friend pulls me in for a hug as I cry in her arms. I knew I needed to deal with this before it ate me alive.