Purple Winter || kth ✓

46• secrets

You were sitting in car with Jungkook, him driving back to Taehyung's house.
Thousand more questions were in your head, all of them, you were hesitant to ask. Not only questions about Taehyung's past, also about his hurting, about his pain and scars. You wondered what was so painful to him that the had started to push away the first love of his life from himself.

You wondered who hurt him that bad because he was a person who wouldn't harm a fly, even in his dreams. You wondered who had wronged him like that.

Jungkook, after all the years, that day, he didn't look broken but it was certain that he was hurting along with Taehyung. He had certainly, someday faded into his lover's pain. You couldn't imagine how much roughness both of them might have gone through in their relationship.
Even so, it was evident that they kept their composure on screen and had pretended to be happy to make the world smile behind them.

You felt so small and insignificant and worthless at that moment. You felt like a heap of dust in front of them. Your heart was sinking, pulling you into hours of pain again. It was as if a curtain of reality had been pulled up and you were now facing the harsh truths and were about to cry even when you hadn't known the whole truth yet.

You were guilt stricken for ignoring Taehyung's hurting, for never asking the questions your mind wanted to ask. You hadn't ever seen his heart bare, without the veil of happiness around it. You wanted to but you were too unsure if you were a someone to him, for real. You were never sure if he loved you enough to show you his heart. You weren't sure how he would react. Even then, sitting beside Jungkook, you felt that it should have been Taehyung to tell you what Jungkook had, you felt like another insignificant part of his life. Another insignificant woman of his life.

Sitting beside someone who had loved the person you loved, you felt so diminutive and clueless. You really wished you had never existed, really wished that you had never met Taehyung and had never fallen in love with him, like that. You wondered how hard it would have been for Jungkook, someone who had seen his lover break apart right in front of him. You wondered how he would have been through it all at such a young age with as many responsibilities on his back.
You wondered what might have happened to Taehyung so miserable that a strong man like him had decided to bleed himself in solitude.

"I failed to protect someone" was all he had ever answered, everytime you had asked. You regretted not asking further, you regretted being afraid of the dark emptiness in his eyes everytime he said that.

You wondered if it still would be right for you to bring sad things up, if you could now speak of Jungkook the same way to him.

You decided to ask Jungkook a few more questions.

"How did he curb you....that you two ultimately fell apart?" You said, looking at an unbothered Jungkook, focussed on driving silently making you feel more bitty.

He let out a snorting laugh which wasn't a reaction you had expected.

He smoothly slid one hand on the gear and steered down the subway through the other.

"First, we used to sleep together, everyday, no matter when or where, we always slept in eachother's arms."he said in a melancholic tone.

"Then when he started having nightmares..." He glanced at you when you inhaled a sharp breathe, not ready to hear what he was about to say next, already scared.

"It became difficult for him to sleep with me." was all he said to end it, glancing again, giving a smile.

But you didn't want to hold anymore regrets of not questioning at the right time.

"What do you mean, difficult for him?"you said, quoting him.

He pressed the brake in middle of the road to examine your face to see if you weren't crying and accelerated through the deserted street when he found out that you weren't.

He thought of you as a sensitive child, which you were.

"By that, y/n, my dear, I mean that I cried when I saw him sweating and shaking in his sleep. I tried to calm him but we both ended up whimpering at the end, it was often that this happened." He said and twisted his hair strands before continuing, "he didn't like it, me crying beside him, instead of pleasuring him. I guess he took the promise of always keeping me smiling, too seriously. " He chuckled a bit, as if it was hilarious memory.

But you knew could only imagine how painful it would have been for him.

"I feel sorry for you both." You said.

"Don't say that, I'm over him, really. I'm just telling you a tale of my childhood. So, he kept curbing me when he slept, always found a way to sleep alone." He said, hitting the accelerator a little, speeding up.

"Then he bought a house for himself, he kept telling me that he loved me, kept telling me that he was okay. But y/n it's not so simple how his actions meant that he felt better off without me. He was normal to me, he wanted to see me a friend, no strings attached, his actions made the disappear the lover in him into nothingness." He said and took a pause, slowing down and again making sure to check if you weren't crying.

You were. But you wiped your tears before he could notice.

"Before you ask which actions, I'll tell you. He started sleeping with women, other women, women who weren't ours" he smirked softy at a vivid memory and continued again,

"those women he found dancing in strip clubs and bars and god knows where else. And I knew that he had stopped loving me, my touch stopped affecting him. But I still had hope, I still loved him, I kept going to his place, kept texting him but he always replied like a simple friend. In span of about a month, he had found another way to vent out..." He said and took a pause.

"What di- did he do?" You asked, your voice cracking.

"He had started to hurt himself to get over his pain and nobody knew how much he was hurting until Jimin hyung found out. And I know that you know how horrible it is." He said.

"I know how horrible it is and I- wish-" you left your sentence incomplete and turned your face to other side, looking out of the window, searching for life.

Jungkook didn't speak anymore.

"Can I- can I talk to him about it?" You asked, clearly voicing your fear, tears rolling down your eyes.

"Don't cry y/n, be strong. You can ask if you wish but I wouldn't suggest you to do it and also, I don't think I would ever be the right person to tell you the reason behind." He said, heaving in all honesty.

"Thanks Jungkook and I'm sorry for making you think about your worst days. I'm very sorry but I promise I'll make him happy, at least while I'm here." You said, wiping your tears as you spoke.

"Hmm, I expect you to be worth him, not only while you're here, always and forever because, y/n, he isn't someone who would let you go." He said and glanced at you to make sure you were attentive before continuing

"it may look like a fairytale, a dream, a movie but he really loves you with all his heart." He said, smiling gently as he completed.

"I am speechless but I pray I'll give him all I have." You said, smiling back, wiping your tears.

You felt lighter, the tension in your stretches seemed to have lessened a little.

About after twenty minutes of silence, Jungkook zoomed into the parking, screeching of the tiles was the sound that had broken the thick silence.

"Hobi hyung left early, three of us for dinner now." Jungkook said when he scrolled through his phone, walking towards the entrance of Taehyung's house.

"Oh God, why now?" You asked, wondering why would universe put you in a situation like that.

You weren't ready to see Taehyung just yet, not with Jungkook besides.

"Don't know, he just texted that he's missing dinner with us, he probably is with Jimin too." Jungkook answered.