Vents Hidden in Verse

he wasn't you.

A/N: dude. i've been awake for an hour, but i woke up from two of the weirdest, yet somehow satisfying dreams i have ever had. the "satisfying" part is what disturbs me the most. i hate that i would consider them to be "good dreams." it's disgusting.

written September 27th, 2020 at 10 A.M.

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on a plane to florida.
he wasn't you.
he kissed my forehead and held my hand
tenderly, as to show affection.

we took in the summer breeze,
running around at a camp.
he wasn't you.
lots of videos of us kissing,
doing things that couples would do.
but he wasn't you.

the worst part was that
i knew he wasn't you.

wake up, smiling.
why was i smiling?
he wasn't you,
i shouldn't have been smiling.

back to sleep, 7 a.m.
playing tag, fending off "its."
this one also wasn't you.

he chased me into a bookstore.
not being able to do anything
with other people around,
i asked for book recommendations,
as to not seem suspicious.

we found a cozy corner,
me nestled between both of his arms.
he kissed my forehead
as the other one did before.
he wasn't you.

holding hands, forgetting the game.
being us, him finally showing
his true feelings towards me.
but he wasn't you.

later, getting chewed out
about how he wasn't you.
not caring, continuing disloyalty.

wake up, alarmed.
the panic sets in.
i don't want to do that to you.

do thoughts of others creep in?
yes.
do i think it is natural?
yes.
would i ever act on something
while still being with you?
absolutely not.

the panic sets in.
you don't deserve it.
i'd hate to do something like that to you.

i've done it before.
i've learnt the lessons
that i have needed to learn.

however, it does not quell this anxiety,
this gripping, tearing feeling
that one day i could do
such a monstrous feat again.

i love you.
but i love you and so many others.

when i say that i love you the most,
i don't mean it as more than you love me.
i mean it as loving you more
than i love anyone else that exists.

in my dreams,
he wasn't you.
in this life, the one where i am typing this,
he is you.
he will be you.