Up in Flames (Fire Force fanfic)

Chapter Forty Nine: A Mother's Heart

Shit...my period is a week late...what do I do? It's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake thinking back on all the times Beni and I had unprotected sex. Ever since getting engaged we threw all fear out the window and depended on the morning after pill...but my period hasn't come for a week. Who do I even talk to about this? I can't talk to Jerry...he'd kill Benimaru. Konro? No way...he'd tell Benimaru and this is not a discussion I am ready for. In moments like these I realize how much I wish my mother was here. That probably would have been my first instinct...but I don't have that luxury. Looks like I have to go at this alone and figure it out from there.

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I haven't slept a wink when I decided to leave for company six's many hospitals. I left in the wee hours of the morning as the sun begins to break. As I state up at the tall building, my thoughts go back to my mother. I never got to ask her what she felt like when she had me...I wonder if she was scared or excited. I'm definitely scared of bringing a child into a world that is burning down around me.

"Clarisse? Is that you?" I turn to see my old first aid teacher, Kayoko Huang.

"Kayoko? It's been a while." I return a smile to my old mentor.

"What're you doing here? Are you hurt? Let me exam you." She flits about like the nurturing doctor I knew during my training days.

Something about the way she acted, made me break down a little, "I need help..."

She grabs my hand, "Come with me and tell me what's happening."

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"I see...so your period is a week late and you've been sexually active since you got engaged to Benimaru. Alright, I'll see if your pregnant but before that...do you plan to keep it?" Kayoko asks in a deathly serious tone.

"I...don't know. On one hand I'm scared of bringing a baby into this burning chaotic world. But on the other...I have to admit for a moment after the fear I imagined what it would be like to bring this child into my life. I'm torn between wanting to have this kid and not wanting to force this child to exist in a world that's constantly on the brink of burning down. I'm sorry for saying all that...it's just weird and I have no one to talk to..."

Kayoko squeezes my hand, "It's ok to feel conflicted. I'd be shocked if you were calm about the matter. But remember that if the result is positive, you need to talk to Benimaru about this as well. He might help you in reaching a decision since you feel conflicted on the matter. Maybe talk it through with you. Anyways...let's get started."

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I'm sitting motionless on a park bench. The results playing over and over again in my mind.

"You're pregnant." Kayoko says directly as she walks back into the room I was waiting in.

"Oh..." I'm too shocked to say anything.

She hands me a pamphlet and says, "Know all your options and think very deeply about this. Your decision is a permanent one."

I sigh deeply and look up at the light filtering through the green leaves on the tree. A soft wind ruffles my hair as I remain still for a moment. Suddenly a familiar face comes into view.

"Joker...what're you doing here?"

He sits down next to me, "Just enjoying the nice spring breeze. Why aren't you being tense or annoyed like you usually are?"

I close my eyes for a moment, "Joker...did my parents ever talk about me and my brother to you?"

He lights a cigarette, "All the time. I used to get annoyed whenever they would go on and on about how proud they were of you. I guess...I was jealous. You had parents who loved you to the bitter end...I was ditched at some cult."

I looked at him shocked, "I didn't know."

"Of course you wouldn't, I just told you. But your parents loved you two very deeply. They wanted nothing more than to walk beside you as you grow up. It's fucked they never got to do that, but this is the reality we live in."

"Even with the risks...they brought me into this messed up world. I don't regret living but...I can't help but wish this world wasn't so chaotic. They loved me and wanted to do something for me. Maybe that was enough for them..." I look at Joker, "Thank you for everything. Even if you think you're bad or twisted...I see good in you. And I hope that's enough for you."

Joker laughs and ruffles my hair, "You're a weird kid. But I don't mind running into you like this."

I smile at him, "Yeah, me neither."

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After arriving back at the guardhouse, I find Benimaru where he usually is during lunch; outside eating in the sunlight.

I sit down next to him, "We need to talk..."

"Ok...go ahead."

I breathe in deeply, "I'm pregnant...I missed my period for a week and I don't know what I should do."

Beni is silent for a few moments, "What do you want to do?"

"I sort of thought about keeping it but I need more time to consider it."

"I wouldn't mind having a rug rat running around...but I don't want to push your decision. It's yours to make, keep it or don't."

"What if I did keep?" I ask as the leaves in the trees rustle in the breeze.

"I'd raise them alongside you. The kid will grow up to be a smart ass and get into all sorts of trouble like we do. Hopefully they'll be smart like you though. Maybe learn two languages and drown themselves in a library of books. But more than anything...I'd hope they have our strength to fight for those around them. I'd hope to raise them right beside you."

"That sounds so nice...I'll keep it. I want to live that out with you."

"Perfect. That would be like heaven for me." He wraps an arm around me as we sit and watch nature move about us.