strawberries and cigarettes - troye sivan
"fuck." mingyu groaned, kicking with all his strength against the couch and shifting its position along the way.
he couldn't believe that the conversation he had with hansol had actually been real. but most of all, he couldn't bare with the pain that came with his words. about wonwoo suffering. though it was only amnesia and no further physical pain, wonwoo had forgotten about his existence.
he could move on in peace now,
but left mingyu behind in only more pain.
the sudden grief overwhelmed him, making mingyu want to numb his aching heart. he yearned to just be inside wonwoo's warm embrace again, like how they used to be. he wished to litter his face with kisses one more time, to feel his hand brushing through those playful curls. to just inhale his safe home-like scent one last time..
"can i just have one more hug."
"i'm sorry i wasn't enough. thank you for the past few weeks."
the last words wonwoo had spoken to him ghosted through his mind, only worsening his current feelings. not only that, a lot of thoughts ran through his head as well. what if he had never let himself fall for someone so easily? what if he had never shown him his vulnerable side? what if he had never spoken to him at all? or just never came across that specific instagram post on seungcheol's account?
none of this would have happened. mingyu would still be stuck in the misery he called his life and wonwoo would have simply stayed the same peaceful boy he used to be. and now? mingyu only found himself in a deeper and darker hole of pain and regret that seemed impossible to escape, while wonwoo continued life like how it had always been.
was this the karma he was given? did he have to repay for his actions and suffer in this way?
he knew all too well that his actions were wrong and he deserved all the blame, but he'd never lied a single word to anyone when it came to his feelings for wonwoo. he had been the first person he had opened up to about his parents, after wearing the emotionless tough mask for seven years continuously. he had never experienced what it felt like falling in love, yet felt exactly like the main character of a movie with wonwoo's presence near him.
it indeed was as if wonwoo got out the better side of him. the boy he always used to be..
but he didn't want to admit this yet, as he stomped off to his bedroom. from the pocket of his black leathern jacket that hung over his desk chair he snatched a pack of cigarettes, along with a lighter and walked over to the window.
even with the windowsill's stone slowly crumbling, mingyu took the risk and rested his body weight against it, opening the window that got more difficult to open with every day that passed as the hinges were fairly old. yet mingyu ignored it as he flicked his lighter and cupped a hand over the flame to light his cigarette.
without hesitation he took a deep inhale, letting the intoxicating smoke fill his lungs in an attempt to calm down. even if it could only numb his pain for a brief second, it would be enough. there had to be something that could lessen the weight that lay on his shoulders just for a moment.
though he noticed, the smoke vanished without further purpose. his body felt the same and the usual calming sensation didn't seem to come once he exhaled. it confused the tall male as to why he still felt exactly like how he did before, so he brought the cigarette back up and connected it to his lips, inhaling a larger amount of smoke once again.
"come on.." he hissed as he inhaled with the same void feeling he felt before. "..why isn't this shit working.
one. two. three. four. and even five inhales passed without further side effects. no calming sensation. nothing. not even the smoke was enough to numb his body and shut out any feelings.
"please don't tell me i need drugs again to calm my fucking body down.." mingyu sighed, reaching for his phone in the pocket of his jeans to check if the specific contact that got the stuff for him years ago was still saved somewhere.
but once he opened his phone, which he hadn't used for several days in a row, the screen showed him his last opened chat. he couldn't remember he had closed off the application after reading over the conversation between him and wonwoo a few days back.
and seeing that one name on the screen made him realize, that the only thing he was in need for right now was nothing but wonwoo.
his touch. his kiss. his embrace. his scent. even his silly nose scrunch.
"fuck!" mingyu yelled at the top of his lungs, pushing his cigarette against the windowsill and making the flame inside the tip die down along the way. it left a bittersweet taste on his tongue and a painful ache inside his heart.
it was the taste of the cigarette that reminded him of his and wonwoo's first night on the beach, when the elder had convinced him to stop smoking. oh how he refused to believe that wonwoo's scent would once become more addicting that the noxious smoke that was killing him slowly.
but here he was, the taste of wonwoo stuck on his tongue and tears brimming in the corners of his eyes as his body slowly sunk to the ground. "oh.. wonwoo, what have i done.." he whimpered in the emptiness of his room.
with him being totally unaware of what was happening, mingyu brought his hands up to his own cheeks and caressed them in the same comforting way wonwoo had once done to reassure him. and even though it felt far from wonwoo's warm hand, he had no other choice than to imagine what it had felt like back then.
"i'm so sorry wonwon.."
