100 Letters To My Future Self

88th Letter: Just Updates

December 15, 2020

I don't know how what I'm feeling. My mind is blank but chaotic. I don't know how to explain it. And I feel like crying. I don't know why. I can't focus.

I realized that all I've been doing right now is distracting myself. I miss reading, in fact i bought a book and started a few chapters. But i can't go on because i don't want to feel anything. It's risky. I don't wanna end up crying again. I just want to be numb. And at night, i don't want to fall asleep. I don't know if this is insomia, but i guess it isn't because sleeping is so easy. I just don't want to do it because it's a heavy thing. I mean, i don't want to close my eyes and meet another day again. I just want to make this day longer. I want time to stop. And also, before I fall into a slumber at night, my mind is still conscious and keeps thinking deep thoughts. I don't wanna have deep thoughts. Deep thoughts are heavy. I don't have the strength and energy to carry it.

I haven't writen a lot as well these days. It's just so heavy. I only managed to do it now because there wasn't an internet connection here and I can't think of anything else to do.

But here's an update of my life.
I'm gonna leave out some updates at home because i don't wanna think about it right now. So here it is.

At work, things are really starting to get realier and busier. We almost had a local transmission of the virus in our island yesterday. We're just waiting for the second results. If one the close contacts turned out positive, then that's it. We're gonna be on lockdown again. Like, a real lockdown. And our Christmas and new year would be ruined. I just hope it wouldn't happen. I don't have the energy to face it.

In kpop, well it's pretty much ....

(A/N: i never finished it because i went back to work)