100 Letters To My Future Self

71st Letter: How I Like Writing To Be

June 17, 2020

Dear Future Me,

I realized today that maybe I wasn't meant to be a writer. I mean, I love writing and all, but I just suck at writing stories. I never finished them. I didn't have any good ideas of what to happen next. I used to have ideas when I was a little bit young but now my mind seemed to get stuck at one idea and can't think of another else. And then when I do have ideas I can't seem to find my words anymore. I tried to organize it by writing it all down but when I read it, it's just pure chaos. Nothing was working when I write stories. I get tired. I get disappointed. I keep thinking that other writers could have done it a little better. They have ideas and mine are just too mainstream. Like, every writer has thought of this already and now I'm joining them and the plot goes the same. It looks boring to me and I realize there's nothing special about my stories anymore. I wasn't productive. I started writing that story for a year now and I haven't finished it yet. I'm not even good with poetry and I call myself a writer. I don't even like poetry much as long as people use rhymes in it that just ruin the whole mood of the poem. I just love reading thoughts. And propably poetry that doesn't talk about love or romance at all time. But there's not much these days. Everybody thinks love is the best subject for poetry. But I just want something more about struggles, depressions and anxiety. Those are probably the stuffs that never grows on me. I love letters as well. I love writing it. I love the way I address someone about how my day went, what I experience, and what darkness and frustrations I went through. I don't share it to anybody. In fact, none of my writing pieces are accessible to any person who knows about me. I just couldn't share them. They seemed too private to me and most of those people might misunderstood. It doesn't mean I don't have the confidence. I just couldn't. It's like sharing a piece of me that nobody even cares about or like telling people your weakness indirectly. But one of the main reasons why I don't let those people read is I don't think the way they usually do. Most of my writing isn't always about love or romance but more about mentally issues and depression. So there's a lot of drama going on in every thing I wrote and people might misunderstand what my life actually look like. I mean, I talk about anxiety and then about how I managed to get back on my feet and be happy, but then I talk about anxiety again. It just goes on in circles. And if anyone reads it and they meet me, they will be like, "What is this girl's problem?" They will see me as someone who's only over reacting over something. That's because I do look fine on the outside. I look healthy and I seem to laugh alot. I have a happy life. I have a complete family. Our house is okay. We  aren't starving. But inside I'm dealing with something quite darker than most people expected in me. I wrote it down to remember how I feel and I read it again later in my life to see what changed and what remained the same. Most of those things, unfortunately, remained the same. But I'm still reading them anyway because I felt relieved. Like for example, at one point in my life, I wrote about how depressed and lonely I was and I read it again in another point of my life where I am also as depressed and lonely as that time. And there were advices in that peiece of writing and a few things I did that time that could lift up my spirits in this other point of my life. One of those things that really worked a lot were the songs I used to listened, the books I used to read and some other wonderful thoughts that I could really find comfort at. And if I share that to other people, it feels like they'd judge me that easily and I'm really really sensitive about those things. Maybe later on in my life. Not now.

Anyway, as I said, I probably wasn't meant to become a writer. I thought about this because I never wanted to inspire people. I wrote things the way I always wanted and those are just for me to contemplate on. None of these are inspiring enough that will move people to the point that they can become successful in life. And that is always how writing should be. I guess I was never meant for those things. In the first place, I just started writing because I wanted to be good in English. Also because I read Game of Thrones in High School and it's that book that always make readers want to become writers. I did a few stories like that book and I never finished them because I also read a lot of stories like that and they were all the same but all better than mine. Nothing was really special about my stories because the plot already happened in so many others and even if I add a few things that are different I still think it isn't special. I mean, sometimes in the middle of writing, I think about what's the point in writing all of these when nobody even likes to read it and it doesn't even go to a publishing company. We are not America. We're an island in the third world country where people don't get too many opportunities. So what's the point?

So I just decided to write for myself. I love reading my thoughts in different points of my life and I love the words I crafted to bring comfort to different versions of me. I'm happy doing things like this. Nothing was forced. Everything just came out naturally, like water in a stream. And I guess that's how I like writing to be.

I read a lot of books and somehow I realized that I am more a reader than a writer. And maybe that's what I'll become for the rest of my life.

And that's all.

Love always,
magicshop