100 Letters To My Future Self

53rd Letter: Those Lonely Days

February 2, 2020

Dear Future Me,

I found this letter on my old notebook. I was reading it earlier and I thought I should post it for you to read.
I wrote it two years ago. I felt so lonely and depressed back then, so in the morning, I took the first bus home and skipped my class. College was really depressing back then. I always come home everytime I feel like my world is about to collapse.
I can still remember how I felt when I wrote this.

So here it is.

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Feb 7, 2018
Here at home, sitting on the seawall with my chicken and my dog Kabo

Look where my loneliness last night takes - - - - - HOME! There's no place better than home. I'm gonna be happy here today.

I'm not running away. There's no class today because the teachers are away on a training or seminar elsewhere and there's only one subject in the morning and I don't want to take it.

I just want to go home. I can not stand being lonely in the boarding house anymore, with nothing to to do and no one to talk to. Nobody has any idea how that feels. At least here I have my pets and I don't feel alone at all.

I'm spending time with nature here. It's a perfect moment. The sunrise. The sea. The sound of the waves. I can see the white birds flying over in the distance. I can bond with my dog Kabo and my chicken who doesn't have a name yet and I can  hear the roar of the boats further away at sea. I can also feel the wind in my hair. There's nothing more peaceful than this.

Earlier at 5:30 in the morning, I took the bus home and I was the first passenger. I didn't get to say goodbye to my roommates because they were still asleep. When I arrived home and got out of the bus, my dogs froze when they saw me. They thought it wasn't me but when I waved my hand at them, they wiggled their tails and ran to me. And as soon as I got inside the house, I look for my cat (and by the way she's pregnant) and went to see my chicken. Anyway, my chicken is my new pet. My father got it for me and I love him so much and miss him when I go back to Larena again.

And now I'm here, facing the sea again, with a ballpen and a notebook in hand. It's like the old days. It's like when I was a little younger. I should write poetry, you know. But I don't know how to write it anymore. I should write a story but I won't be able to finish it anyway. So this is all I have to write for now. I don't know what kind of writing this is, but it just makes me feel better so it doesn't matter what it is. Just something to remember by when I get older.

There's no picture to prove my peace and happiness right now (I should have brought my Nokia phone to take pictures). But I don't care anymore. This memory is mine and it's just me who's gonna remember this after months and months and years and years later. It's just me who's gonna understand how I feel in this moment. It's a moment of peace. A peace that I always seek when I'm so tired at school and so bored with my life. No one could ever understand this but me. So it's best to keep this to myself.

Anyway, I love this moment so much. It's so real. It's so peaceful. It's so close to nature. I'm gonna stop writing now coz I'm going to take a walk on the sand with my pets. So I guess this is all for now.

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So that was the letter. Two years later, I  graduated college and got over all the crap I used to deal with during those times. My cat who was pregnant that time gave birth to two kittens on Feb. 11, a few days later after I wrote that letter. We named them Jungkook and Chim Chim and we all love them so much and  always makes sure we didn't run out of fishes for them to eat. But right now, Jungkook has vanished and only Chim Chim remains. My chicken is gone too. He has gotten so big and violent so my mom's friend cooked him. But thanks to him we had another set of chickens already.

Love always,
magicshop