It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

Snap Out of It

Alice 

My mother has the baby and I’m worried. My motherly heart beating underneath the florescent lights of the restaurant as my mind raced without Finley. Oscar and I sat down for dinner at a cheap diner, the two of us barely speaking, as we looked over the menu.

He sees my worry. Oscar says without much effort, “Your mother has watched his before.”

“I know.” I wiggle in my seat. “It’s just weird without him, you know?” I try and give him a smile. Something he wanted so greatly. “I’ve always been so preoccupied the other times I’ve left him…”

He reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “He’s okay.” He reassures me. “And plus, you’re preoccupied now, babe. You have me. Here we are.”

“I left him when he was sleeping. He’s going to wake up all freaked out.”

“He loves his grandma. He’ll be fine.”

“He’s two hours away from me…”

“So?” He sighs, puts down the menu, and shakes his head. “Alice, he’s fine. You’ve left him before. Please relax so we can have a good night.”

“After being around him all day, every day, it’s hard for me. Most dads would be worried, too. You see it all the time; parents going out and having a fit about leaving the child. Only sometimes is it a relief.”

“Do we have to go over this again?” Then he wasn’t my lover, but my teacher and I was his student. Nothing but an inferior to him, as always. I’ve only just started to realize that fighting it would only piss him off more than I wanted, so I let him have his moment of acting superior. “Alice, I’ve told you this multiple times.”

“Tell me again.”

“I don’t have any emotional attachment to him. I love him, but I’m not his real father, so I’m not going to feel that detachment when I leave to go out to a nice dinner.”

“That’s disgusting.” I tell him, setting down my own menu. Avoiding eye contact ultimately dodging a fight altogether.

The waitress brings us two waters and takes our orders – mine a cheese burger and him the same. “They have the best fries here.” He says, ignoring what he had just said and the fact that it angered me.

I nod, “They do.”

He reaches for my hand across the table again and I almost pull away. Almost. I let him have it, though, gritting my teeth. Smugly, he says, “Please try and have a good time. I called off of work for this.”

“I am.” I smile, uneasily. My eyes lingered over his and the way his black hair sat – slicked back. “I’m so happy to spend the night with you, my love.”

He grinned, “Good. I’m glad. We never get to do this, so it’s obviously special.”

“Nothing could make it more special.”

“Don’t count on nothing, sweetie.”

Talking always came easy to me. I could talk for hours with anyone – people I adored or people I hated. I always had something to say. It was that easy with Oscar, too. As the time between us grew on, I found things to say to him harder. My mind going blank when he wanted to actually sit and talk.

I’m weary about starting a fight with him – I hated fighting, as did he, so I found myself biting my tongue. Pushing my quick whips and sarcastic comebacks to ridiculous things he says to the back of my mind.

“I just want this to go well.” Oscar starts again.

“Isn’t it?”

“Smile, then.” He tells me. “You always seem so sad.”