It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

Runaway

Alice

"I'll just run away and be on my own." - Ed Sheeran

I wanted to take my son and leave. Leave and go to a place that was new to me. I wanted to let go of everyone I loved, everyone I used to love, and everyone who loathed my existence. I wanted to break free from every rumor, every lie, and every argument that had ever stirred up in the roots of this town.

My mother would be the first to be cut out of my life. I loved her, oh God did I love her, but I couldn't stand her judgment any longer. Her eyes filled with a hidden disgust every time she was around me. She held back a distasteful, dissatisfaction towards me that she greatly shared with my brother once I had left her house.

Oscar would be the next phone number I would delete from my phone. I'd lock all my memories that involved him in a place in my mind where I couldn't reach them. Much like my college experience in London, the memories with Oscar will be locked far away, and very rarely thought of.

I loved him, very much so, but he hurt me. His words cut like knives every time he spat them out. He didn't mean to be so cruel, it was just the way he was brought up. He was honest, he would say. Being brutally honest, though, can be brought up in a nicer sense. The way he comes about things he says makes him an asshole.

And his words definitely stick with me. As I look into the mirror at night, I can hear all the terrible comments he had about my haircut. His voice is compressed into my mind where every time I even glance at myself, I hear everything bad he's ever said about me.

He doesn't mean it, I have to tell myself. It is just his mother speaking. Supposedly, from what he has told me, she is an unruly bitch. She judges everything about everyone. Which makes my nerves even worse when the thought of meeting her soon is brought up.

I would like to throw my phone away and just not buy another one. I don't need a phone. It does more harm than good. I hate the feeling where it rings and I don't know who it will be. Will it be my supposed best friend calling me and arguing with me about never seeing her or my fiancé in another pissed off mood? Will it be my mother complaining about my lack of responsibility or my ex-boyfriend calling me to tell me I'm an attention seeking whore?

I deserve the things they say about me. They wouldn't say the things they did unless they meant them; unless I have done something to them that actually makes them believe it. In their eyes, I am a terrible person.

Perhaps I wouldn't cut Adam out of my life. I would move away, throw my phone in the garbage, but still keep in contact with him through letters or email. I don't see him very often, but when I do he doesn't make me feel low. We argue, yes, but he simply lets our spats go, and we move on.

But, the more I think of it, I might as well cut everyone out. Take my son and leave - start a new life. I live in envy of my brother. He is doing everything in a way that I was jealous of. He was gaining life accomplishments in the order they're meant to be completed.

He finished school, he was going through even more college, and he has gotten engaged. They are planning a wedding; a beautiful, simple wedding that Molly has probably always dreamt about. Molly didn't already have a baby, and my brother didn't say hurtful things to her every chance he got.

I would move away to a place no one would suspect Alice would live. I would raise my son to be like his father, to succeed his goals, and to follow his dreams. Maybe I would meet a man who treated me like a queen, but I would be fine without.

Finally realizing this in my early twenties - I don't need a man. I always felt lost, almost drowning without a sidekick by my side. But the more that time goes on, I feel like I'm suffocating. I wanted to be alone.

I would move away and live in the future. Every day, I would wake up and wouldn't sulk about the past. I would wake up and think of what I want to accomplish. I would stick to my goals, live my life to the fullest, and let go of any petty worrying.

I would thrive off of everything I completed as a mother and as my own person.

I would love to run away.

But I can't. I am living in the present, and the present is far too difficult to change. Cutting everyone out of my life would be too much of a hassle, letting go of Oscar.

No matter how much I dream, I know that it will not become a reality.

I signed the last envelope, my hand cramping. I shook the paper so it would dry faster before setting it upon the stack of other invitations. Our wedding was in less than five months away, the days drifting by quickly.

"You sure you're not sending them out too soon?" Adam asks me, his eyes gesturing towards the save-the-dates.

I shrug, "Oscar wants to make sure people have enough time to say they're coming or not."

"Oh, I see." Adam quips, rocking back and forth with Finley in his arms. The toddler squirmed; he was almost walking, and he wanted to be set free. Adam refused to let him down, though, unable to break away from him. He barely saw my Finn, so I understood.

Grabbing stack after stack of the caramel colored envelopes, I stuffed them into my bag full of wedding junk. My eyes glistened as I teased, "When are you and Molly planning to have a little one? Finley needs a little cousin."

He sighs, "Not for a while I hope. I want kids, definitely, but I want to make sure we have a house first."

"Of course you do..."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you need a house before having a kid?" I ask, dumbfounded. Taking the statement as a dig at me.

"It's just the logical thing to do. I have a one bedroom apartment. We don't have enough room..."

"I live in a one bedroom apartment." I say quickly.

"God, Alice. Stop making this about you. I just don't want kids yet."

"I just don't want you implying that I'm not a suitable parent because I don't have a house yet..."

"Alice, I didn't mean anything by that... You're a great mum."

I sighed, and started to pack up Finley's toys. He whined until I handed him his favorite one, a stuffed giraffe. Adam finally sat him down on the floor unwillingly. He was still so fascinated by the child.

"When are you and Oscar going to the states?" Adam asked me. I heard my mother's car pull up in the driveway and started to move quicker. I wanted to be able to get my things, give her a quick kiss, and get on the road back to the apartment.

"Next week sometime." I respond.

"Are you going to be here for Finley's birthday? I'd like to see him." Adam says, glancing down at the curious child. "Mum would also like to see him then."

"I think we're leaving the day after..." I state. Oscar argued with me while buying the tickets about that. He wanted to leave the day before Finley's birthday, spend it with his family, but I told him no.

"Are you having a huge party?"

"It's a child's first birthday, how huge can it possibly be?" I joke.

"Who all are you inviting?"

"Probably some of our family, a few of my old friends."

"Ed?"

"Oh, God no."

"You should invite him."

"And show him how fucking indecisive I am about decision making?" I say, forcing a cold laugh before repeating my fiancé's glorious words, "Indecisiveness isn't cute..."

*A/N. Hey! Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Didn't even plan on updating today, but the idea for this chapter came to me weirdly.

Trust me, the more juicy stuff is coming! Hang tight!

Tell me your thoughts in the comments.

-Madisen