It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

Homesick

Ed

One Year Later

My shaggy hair hangs low in my eyes as I sit there impatiently, fingertips drumming a beat on my pant leg. I'm used to the feel of tuxes now and they no longer feel uncomfortable and tight. But as I wait there, heart beating wildly in my chest, the collar feels unbearably constricting, and I can't breathe. As the announcers make their way to the stage and the cameras point at each of the nominees, I itch my scratchy beard anxiously. Wishing I would have shaved.

Stevie Wonder, surrounded by others, stammers quick quips that everyone giggles at. I sit in my seat with shaky hands, quiet and almost too nervous to laugh as the apprehension continues on longer. The seconds feel like minutes as the cameras roll, the lights shine, and the names are read aloud.

I'm nominated for a Grammy again this year. Snubbed a few times before, even tonight, I'm almost scared for them to read the name off. Over and over again, I tell myself that I will not win. I have to mentally prepare myself in order to cope with losing once again. I feel like it has become a sudden joke that I've been nominated so many times and lost the same amount.

Stevie laughs into the mic before ripping open the envelope. Another laugh amongst everyone in the large, crowded auditorium. Amy squeezes my hand next to me and I glance over at her. Both of us exhaling a shaky breath we held onto to help our nerves.

"Ed Sheeran." He reads. My name booming over the entire arena, bouncing off the ceiling, and echoing on and on. Screams around me blanket over me as I'm stunned and frozen in my seat. Amy jumps up, smiling down at me. She looks like she's about to pounce on me and pull me up on stage.

The news finally hits my brain and the sudden coping method evaporates and I'm unsure now how to handle the news of winning rather than losing. With wide eyes and a thumping heart, I stand from my seat and begin making my way towards the stage.

People high-five me on the way. They tell me I deserve this and congratulations. Taylor is jumping for joy, almost more excited than I am, and she envelopes me into a tight hug.

"Proud of you!" She chirps in my ear.

I couldn't form any words as she releases me and I float to the stage. Amy is behind me, looking almost as nervous as I am. I say thank you and take the tiny statue into my hands. As I look out to the crowd, it almost feels odd being surrounded by so many lights and faces. It had been months since my last show and I no longer remembered the exhilaration and nervous bubbles that fill my stomach when I'm in front of so many.

The lights of cameras illuminate and darken the faces before me and I can't quite make them out. The black orbs wait patiently for me to give my thanks. The sea of people lights up like stars in the night; blurry, bright, and unreachable.

I give my speech. It was something I had written late last year when the album was released and I was buzzed by how well it was doing. I was ahead of myself, but I had high hopes, and here I was standing in front of thousands and accepting an award I thought I'd never get.

I give one last nod to the crowd before I shuffle away with the troop of announcers to backstage. Pictures are taken and I'm blinded by all the flashing. My head spins from the questions, the people, and the excitement. But Amy stands locked by my side, hand wrapped around mine, and a never ending smile on her bright lips.

"We did it!" Amy says to me. "Years and years later and we've finally did it, Eddie!"

"We did!" I said. Almost in a way to tell myself that I can finally breathe now. My mind was continuing to play tricks on me, my stomach doing flips. Although I had one, my mind believed it couldn't be true. "Oh my fucking – we did it!"

We are shooed away. After all the buildup, we're asked to return to our seats. Amy turns to me, asking me to the lead the way through the dark corridor, and quickly over the velvet red flooring to our empty seats before commercials end.

"Go ahead without me." I tell her. "I'm gonna use the restroom."

"You gotta come in breaks. Sure you wanna wait?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I said, a huge grin plastered on my messy face. Before she walks away, I raise my hand and she high-fives it excitedly. "We did it, Wadge. We won!"

I sneak past the bathroom and stand in an empty hall, free from any of the crew. The lights above me flicker vigorously, making my eye twitch. I hear the crowd break into a sea of laughter. The sound echoing throughout the entire building. Alone, I finally squeal with enthusiasm.

I pull out my phone. I had about ten minutes until I had to return to my seat. Suddenly, I felt the need to call anyone that helped me in the past, and thank them. I'm unsure why I feel valid after winning a silly award, but now I'm established and recognized, and fucking liked. Years and years of brutal rejection and loneliness from this career and it was worth it.

The internet was updated on my winning and my phone blows up with congratulatory remarks. I'm warmed by my fans and their response to my winning. They are proud, like a mother would be, and that makes me chuckle. Social media welcomes me back and it beckons me to log in and say something, but I don't. After being disconnected and on a break for so long, I no longer craved to be on my phone.

Instead, I dial Alice's number. She had made me promise I'd call her if I won anything. It rings for a second before she picks up promptly. Her voice is almost breathless as she states, "I already know you won." I could hear her smile through the phone.

"Really?" I said.

"Yeah. I found a website where I could stream it from overseas. Cool, right?"

"So you saw everything?" I ask quickly.

"Yes!" She squeaks. "Congrats."

"Do you mean it?"

She laughs, "Why wouldn't I mean it?"

"Did Finn see?"

"No, he's asleep. I'll show him in the morning." She kind of snickers. Her voice is much lower when she says, "He'll be so happy to see you on the screen."

"I wish I could see him right now."

"You just left yesterday." She says jokingly. "He misses you, though. You can pick him up after you land, if you want..."

"You'll let him stay the weekend?"

She sighs. I could still hear the toothy grin from her side. "Yeah, I guess I would."

"You could come stay, if you want..."

"Hmm!" She giggles loudly. "I might take you up on that offer."

I hear the crowd stirring as the music lowers. I almost forgot where I was. Her voice always had the power to make everything around me disappear. The commercials began and now I had four minutes to get to my seat.

"I gotta go!" I tell her quickly. "I'll see you when I land."

"What?" She exclaims.

"Meet me at the airport. Ten tomorrow." I replied hurriedly and she responds with a light laugh. Before I hang up and she can say anything else, I shout, "See you when I land!"